What Is It With Me and Trains?

Ahhh therapy. Fun times. ( BTW that was sarcasm if you don't know me.) Therapy helps but it is never easy.
Take yesterday. My lead story was something that happened in 1984. As I'm telling it, I realize that in the scheme of things it wasn't that bad and yet all these years later retelling it brought tears. I think the tears were more for the fear felt by the young girl I was then, than for the impact of the actual event. It's almost as if I'm a whole different person who can look back and feel compassion for the person that was then. As the poem I wrote for this blog says, "What you saw isn't what you see"
 
I'm different now than I was. That's easy to understand right? Got years and experiences and way to much chocolate under my belt. But I will tell you one thing I have in common with that young girl, the fear of the unknown. Why? Because it is unknowable. And I like to know. I am a planner, a visualizer, a list maker and note taker. But not one of those attributes helps in foretelling the future. Granted, there are many things that have happened that I would not have wanted to know. And, go me, I've survived them and learned a thing or two.

One of those things is that the compassion I extend to the girl I was, must also be extended to the woman I am. If I can't do this for myself I won't be able to do it for you. And I want to. Because we all have stuff.

Back to therapy. I was in the process of justifying some of my actions by explaining that the subject in question was just like a train wreck--I had to look. When, ouch!!! Therapist leans over and says "you aren't viewing the wreck you are standing in front of the train" Oh. Hadn't thought of that. Nah that was a lie. I had thought of it but did it anyway. As you might imagine, standing in front of the train isn't optimal. It hurts. So based on the learned advice of the therapist and compassion I'm extending to the woman I've become, I am getting out from in front of the train. And maybe, then, I'll be able to breathe.