Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Dark Pit

Capricorns take things seriously. I am no exception.
As with most things this has benefits and disadvantages.
To take something seriously requires thought. Usually thought is better than charging in blindly.
But as most would agree, some things in life require faith. Believing without proof. Romantic love is one of these things.  A person can and should analyze the object of their affection to see if a relationship is feasible. A number of factors should be considered. But after all this is done what next? 

The next part is something most Capricorns have a real problem with.
Taking the plunge. And this part is inescapable. It's like an infant taking first steps. They know they want what is across the room. They have practiced inching along the coffee table. They have observed those around them doing it. But taking those first steps can be likened to a precipitous drop into a dark pit.

Romance. A precipitous drop into a dark pit. If there is anything I hate more than not knowing I don't know it. Calculating, theorizing, a bit of experimentation- all good things but absolutely no guarantee of successful romance. Because (and I cringe as I write this) THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES.  As I have found, neither brains, logic nor longevity can guarantee one's happiness with a partner.

Whether I like it or not there are things out of my control. How another chooses to behave is one of those things. People are people. They screw up and hurt you. Then what? Two little words with enormous impact. Then what? I am not proud to admit that I am stuck here. 
I just don't know and as we all know I hate that. With a passion.

I have choices. Choices I certainly never, ever anticipated. Choices that pull me out of my comfort zone. But that zone is mighty comfortable. It is all I know. It is my life. Change is not easy. Despite what plucky heroines in short romance novels would have you believe.
Change is also inevitable. But like my cat who extends all 4 legs to grip the cat carrier to prevent being removed, I resist. I don't know what would happen, how to go about doing it or trusting that once done I would be ok. In short, I am afraid. Again, unlike our plucky heroine.

I so admire the courage it takes to uproot. I'm ashamed that I don't possess it.
I fall short of my own expectations again and again.
It is discouraging and makes me sad. I wish I was better.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Tinged with Despair

A doctor once told me that people with depression ride a roller coaster.
Most days I do pretty well. Some days I honestly wish I was dead. Other days are simply tinged with despair.

This might sound dramatic (and in the interest of full disclosure I started college as a drama major) but no, it really is my life. On the hard days I cut myself no slack. I find little to be satisfied with. 
Not going to lie, I feel sorry for myself.
Brooding on old sorrows and new.  Looking for answers so long in coming.
Asking old questions, feeling the old frustrations as new.

You remember the old cartoons where the main character gets mad and kicks the anvil thereby hurting only himself? That's what living is feeling like for me lately. I wish there was someone to blame. But depression wasn't gifted to me like the fairy godmother's gave gifts to the princess it was passed down unwittingly in my genes.

So pain equals growth huh? Well damn I should be on a mount somewhere giving out loaves and fishes! Instead I'll get up in the morning and put my youngest on a plane to study abroad for a year.
Then return to figuring it out. So not thrilled.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

In Practice

At therapy this week I was asked why I care what anyone else thinks of me.
I think the answer is that I am not so confident in who I am that someone else's opinion doesn't make me pause to consider ( or fear ) that they are correct.

'Sticks and stones can break my bones but words they cannot hurt me.'
Great in theory. In practice, not so much. So the logical answer here is to become so well acquainted with myself that outside vitriol cannot penetrate.
It's true that recent years have taken a toll on my self esteem.
But I am not so far gone that I'll go down without a fight.  And the fight is with myself. To hold onto what I know and to add to it through whatever means
life chooses to present to me.

So what do I know? I am not a liar. I am strong enough. I am not narcissistic.
I care about others. I am loyal. I am kind. I like to build people up not tear them down. I'd rather laugh than cry. You'd want me for a friend because I am a good one.

There are additional things to learn. There is more life to live.
Bring it.