Saturday, March 13, 2010

I Have Hurt a Friend

I have hurt a friend. You have no idea how many varied emotions accompany this statement.

We had been talking for over an hour when something I said hurt her. I felt comfortable (maybe too comfortable) talking with her saying what I thought. So I did.
I offered sincere apologies for having hurt her feelings. I wanted us to talk to figure out exactly what I'd said to upset her and why it did. So I would understand her point of view and not repeat a hurtful comment. But no matter what I said she wouldn't talk to me. She said there was nothing to talk about.

I felt terrible that I had hurt her. Ashamed that I could say something (anything) that would cause such a reaction. Ashamed of myself. When this happens all I know to do is say I'm sorry, try to figure out why and then not do it again. I did say I was sorry and meant it. But that is as far as I could go as she wouldn't speak to me further.

I am left to conclude that our relationship didn't mean enough to her to work through this issue.
I acknowledge I was wrong. But there was no ill intent. And if given the chance I would have learned from it and not offended again with anything similar.

I am a loving person and it really, really bothers me that I could do this to someone I care about. I don't know where to go from here. I don't think there is a chance to salvage the relationship.
I question what is up with me that I attracted this? I feel guilty that I attracted such a horrible incident. I question my "friends picking ability". I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel so discouraged with people.

I am angry she wouldn't hear me out and try to work this out. Does she expect everyone to be perfect and never hurt her? I only knew her for a short while and I'm supposed to be psychic and avoid anything that might upset her?
But when I knew that I had, I did everything I knew to do to attempt amends. She rejected all efforts. Good luck to her in finding only perfect people to hang out with.

How can I trust any of the people I meet? Or maybe I can't trust myself not to screw up my relationships with people.
People are disappointing and I'm leaning towards--you can't trust anyone. I think I'm a nice and loving person and then something like this happens and I am questioning how I see myself.
I honestly feel traumatized by this.

An irony: I had encouraged her to cut out of her life people that didn't appreciate her. I just didn't know it was going to be me.

She has chosen to cut me out of her life completely. I would like her to know that anything she had previously told me in confidence will remain that way. I wish her well.

For my current and future friends, I would like you to know that if I do hurt you (and I might because I'm not perfect) no one will be sorrier or grieve over it more than I.