Sunday, July 29, 2012

So What's For Dinner?

Today I told someone that when others view my life they could come to some black and white judgments. But my truth is in shades of grey. Many shades of grey. And I bet yours is as well.

Then it occurred to me that my concern over judgment (no matter what color) was really about me judging me. (I progress a few steps than slink back a few.) It is pretty sobering to realize how conditioned I have become. To think my life has to be a certain way.

Do you expect my life to be a certain way? Do you even have expectations for my life? I'm going to bet you are so immersed in your life you do not have time to contemplate mine. So the only thoughts that affect my life come from within me. I want to contemplate some good. Because I know it is there. Somewhere.

1) spent time with my BFF today and gave her the gift of my full attention and active listening.
2) began thinking about a situation that I can't control and when I realized this I told myself to let it go and for once I listened to myself and felt that blessed sense of peace that comes from acceptance of what is.
3) The universe is supporting me with messages of: you do not need to know what will happen. And remembrances of times I've been supported. Which is timely as I feel the stirrings of panic in my psyche.
4) I am making a good dinner tonight.
5) I introduced some nice people to each other on Twitter.
6) I sent love and healing thoughts to an older woman.
7) I spent time being creative instead of in more practical work (which will get done eventually)
8) I was flexible about today's schedule. (Flexible and me-not soul mates)
9) I smiled and enjoyed a movie on television that I had been wanting to watch but just stumbled on to today.
10) I took time to write this blog post to aid myself mostly but maybe someone else too.

All this before dinner time. There is good in me. I just need to spend more time contemplating the good and less in judgment. I'd like to invite you to do the same.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Heartfelt

It isn't a secret I have depression. I take meds for it and go on with my life. This is something that runs in my family. Depression isn't a bad day, a grumpy mood or being dumped by a boy/girlfriend. Depression is a heaviness of spirit, a blackness inside that filters all you see on the outside. It affects every good thing in your life. It is a physical thing as well, weighing you down, slowing you down and sometimes stopping you entirely.

I have been in many dark places with this disease. Places that are so nightmarish I find it hard to even contemplate them. Creative people seem to be burdened with this disproportionately.
I don't know why -maybe there is research on it I don't know about.
I know there are theories about why people have depression. A chemical imbalance in the brain is one I'm familiar with but I am positive there are many more.

I don't know why I have depression in particular. But I do and I have to figure out a way to cope. I am very grateful for the medication I take-Wellbutrin. It works and I don't have side effects that I have had with other meds. But every once and awhile the Wellbutrin could use some augmentation and then I have to make a decision. Wait out the bad period or augment. Lately my choice has been to wait it out because other meds have side effects I'd rather avoid.

Through Twitter I have met another artist with depression. I know what he is going through. It is a comfort to say to him that, on whatever day , the depression is kicking my ass and have him respond. And it almost doesn't matter what he says-he responds and he knows what I'm going through.
This has meant a lot to me but I have been too shy to say this to him. So what I did was buy one of his pieces that spoke to me of being uplifted.
And that is my heartfelt wish for both of us-that we continue to be uplifted.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Don't Want Your Stinkin Dwarves

I pick up on others' emotions easily. Sometimes this is helpful, other times it is harmful-to me. If you are stressed, sad, grumpy, anxious, or any of the seven dwarves, it doesn't mean I have to be along with you. I have a hard enough time coping with my emotions let alone yours.

I have to give myself a talk after I feel that familiar tightening of my stomach that says I'm feeling what you are. I can be empathetic to whatever you are going through without going through it too.

For the last few days I have picked up emotions from someone in my life that I'd like to get away from. The best way I know to do this is solitude and silence. Spending time with just myself. Even writing those words, just now, feels selfish.
But logically I know it is not selfish to care for myself. Indeed it is mandatory.

When I first realized I did not have to feel what you do, I was in therapy. I'm embarrassed to admit this realization absolutely floored me. It changed my perception of myself, you and my place in life. What it did, in addition to those things, was to return myself to myself.

If I'm spending time feeling my emotions, not yours, it makes sense I'd get to know my own self better. And that is not selfish either.