Monday, September 14, 2009

Acceptance Week

I told someone today that this is my acceptance week. I don't know what this means to you. But to me it is hard work and a process. I have to accept me. I have to get rid of all exterior voices and only listen for my own. The "shoulds" have been a curse my whole life.

I should do this, I should do that, I should be this, I should be that. Somehow I've always believed I was not enough in any capacity. I really, truly hope this isn't true. Everywhere I look, read or be I am bombarded by demands that I have goals, work toward those goals and achieve those goals.

I am ashamed to tell you that sometimes my entire goal for the day is just to get through it.
Would I be here if I had had some foresight about where I am today and what I've been through?
I don't know.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Goodbye

We are making a trip to ***** tomorrow. My Stepdad is in a nursing home there. These visits lately are "goodbye" visits because he has emphysema. The nurses are straight with me and never sugarcoat anything. The trip is hard. My sister is coming in from Dallas to make this pilgrimage with us. My Mother was sure she would outlive him but she died in her sleep two years ago.
I hope the family's care of Dad is what she would have wanted.
I think he is ready to go. The nurses say he is starved for oxygen and give him medication to curb the anxiety this causes.
I feel this way when I have an anxiety attack. I hate the idea that he is going through this. But there is nothing I can do. That sucks.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

With Original Thought

Today I was thinking about the word unprecedented. Here is the definition.
Basically, it means having no previous example. Each person you have met throughout your entire life has been unprecedented. You are unprecedented. There has been no previous you. Ever.

I will take this a step further. Every thought you think is unprecedented. You may protest and say "I know I thought I was hungry before." You may have bought into the theory that there are no originals anymore- original ideas, inventions, works of art or indeed thought- that everything is derivative.

I don't believe this. So you did say you were hungry yesterday. You said it in yesterday's circumstances with yesterday's hunger.
Every day you live is unprecedented. A brand new slate given to you. My Grandmother used to say that the trouble with life is it is daily. I prefer to think that the beauty and wonder of life is that it is daily.

So tomorrow with a brand new slate, with original thought, I challenge you to begin to construct the life you wish to live.
Sunrise over the south beach of Jamaica.