Friday, April 29, 2011

Digging Down Past Polite

"How was your day?" This was a question asked of me yesterday evening. Asked of many yesterday evening. It is a polite question requiring a polite answer which I gave as I strive to be polite. But I'll share the real answer here. My day yesterday was in no way what I had planned or looked forward to for many months. It wasn't shared with the person I had planned to share it with.

It was a pretty day. It is spring. Flowers, breeze, patios, skirts and wine. So I don't hold my change of plans against the day. And, invoking metaphysics, I must believe that the Universe conspires for me in all things. So somewhere, where I am unable to see with my physical sense, there is a big picture. Sometimes I imagine this big picture to be a gigantic puzzle. You and I, our doings and happenings, pieces of the puzzle. And because, most times, it is a puzzle to me I continue to imagine it this way.

I considered many options in which to aid myself accepting the revision. Thoughts included, a burning ceremony. (Writing whatever you'd like to send on from you and then burning the paper to send it on its way.)
Spending time in thought at a place that holds both a spiritual and memorial feel for me. Writing. Sharing with a friend.

In the end though, I did none of those things. I did other things. With thoughts of what might have been.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What Is It With Me and Trains?

Ahhh therapy. Fun times. ( BTW that was sarcasm if you don't know me.) Therapy helps but it is never easy.
Take yesterday. My lead story was something that happened in 1984. As I'm telling it, I realize that in the scheme of things it wasn't that bad and yet all these years later retelling it brought tears. I think the tears were more for the fear felt by the young girl I was then, than for the impact of the actual event. It's almost as if I'm a whole different person who can look back and feel compassion for the person that was then. As the poem I wrote for this blog says, "What you saw isn't what you see"
 
I'm different now than I was. That's easy to understand right? Got years and experiences and way to much chocolate under my belt. But I will tell you one thing I have in common with that young girl, the fear of the unknown. Why? Because it is unknowable. And I like to know. I am a planner, a visualizer, a list maker and note taker. But not one of those attributes helps in foretelling the future. Granted, there are many things that have happened that I would not have wanted to know. And, go me, I've survived them and learned a thing or two.

One of those things is that the compassion I extend to the girl I was, must also be extended to the woman I am. If I can't do this for myself I won't be able to do it for you. And I want to. Because we all have stuff.

Back to therapy. I was in the process of justifying some of my actions by explaining that the subject in question was just like a train wreck--I had to look. When, ouch!!! Therapist leans over and says "you aren't viewing the wreck you are standing in front of the train" Oh. Hadn't thought of that. Nah that was a lie. I had thought of it but did it anyway. As you might imagine, standing in front of the train isn't optimal. It hurts. So based on the learned advice of the therapist and compassion I'm extending to the woman I've become, I am getting out from in front of the train. And maybe, then, I'll be able to breathe.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Hoofing It

A few days ago I created a slideshow with music to be a gift. I've watched it multiple times even after I gave it to the person for whom it was intended. I like the music and the photos put together tell a pleasing story. But what really gives me a feeling of contentment was how I was able to sync the music with the images in just the way I wanted. Especially the final notes of the song with the final image. I like the feeling of accomplishment and control.

I am into metaphysics. Metaphysics tells us we create our own reality. So if you can buy into this you then could conclude you have the ultimate control over your life.
I ride that train as much as I'm able because it rings true for me.
On and off since '08, though, I've stepped off the train and hoofed it. I've had to puzzle through some difficult questions and circumstances. Control? It seems to have met it's fate under the wheels of the train. To say I am unhappy with the resulting confusion is to vastly understate it.

I am trying to understand the place I am in. Who I've become and who I wish to be.
Weighty questions for anyone. I don't always like who I've become. I wish I was more.
There are things about me that I do like. As I get older I've become way less judgmental.
I've been able to express love when I've felt it. I enjoy looking past the public personas of people and learning something of their true selves. I enjoy creating art in various forms.

When you ride a train the tracks lead you to an expected destination. But when you are hoofing it you could end up just about anywhere.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Remember Be Here Now

New week. New motto. Remember Be Here Now.
To me this means to keep remembering to be present with where you are. Both physically and mentally. In this now moment I am feeling tired. But I am not hurting anywhere. I am pretty darn comfortable. I am not hungry or thirsty. I feel some tension in my back and shoulders but at this realization comes a conscious attempt to release it.
Mentally in this now moment I feel absorbed in the task of communicating. Feeling happy and comforted having spoken with someone who means a lot to me. In awe of their ability to understand and soothe.
In this now moment all is well with me.
Where are you in this now moment?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Of Words That Should Have Been Spoken

Therapist says I'm depressed because I haven't made a decision about what lifestyle I want.
Hmmmmm I thought I did that back in **** when I put my hand in his and he made me promises.
But that has been some time ago. And folks forget. Or rather, perhaps the priest should have said as he married us, 'BTW New Husband do not look at porn in twenty years' But the priest didn't. And the man did. So now who do I blame? The priest for his lack of prescience?
The man for being human? Or myself for the apparent inability to just get over it?
Of the three, I'd say the priest was the least culpable.
My mother was married four times. Being a thoughtful and watchful child, I decided early on that all that drama was not for me. Once was enough I thought. For keeps.

When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.~Missy Higgins

That's where I am now. And not being the plucky heroine of my own story.
I'm disappointing myself. Before, I really thought I was stronger, braver and more resourceful than I've turned out to be.
If you've ever wondered what depression feels like, imagine it to be the heaviest burden you have ever, ever carried in all your life.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What's Love Got to Do With It?

Over the past year I have lost about 30 pounds. Most days I think I look pretty good.
But every morning the girl who stares back at me from the mirror is also the same girl who's husband looked at porn on line for one third of their marriage.
So despite countless hours of therapy, despite logic, friends, advantages, talent, a kind and loving heart, despite the years that have passed, I still look at that girl in the mirror and wonder from the depths of my soul, why she wasn't enough.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Bowl and The Spoon

When my children were small they would complain that their brother got this or that and they did not. My response was "life is not fair and I don't care". The point being that equality doesn't happen with new shoes, outings or the icing on the spoon. Over time I'm convinced things were as even as possible but in the moment, no. Now it is my turn to whine about things not being fair. My Mom passed away in '07 so the lucky duck hearing this is my therapist who responds with a small smile and a wise nod of the head. (I'm paying an hourly rate for this, yes)
As an adult I truly do understand that life is not fair and mostly no one cares. And still I rail at the injustice. The railing and the wailing aren't helping much. If I thought it would help I'd stomp my foot like my toddlers did.
But sadly, my Mom is not around to hand out both the bowl and the spoon.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

What You Saw

What You Saw

He found his inspiration on the screen, in the daily I found mine.
Came to that fork in the famous road, and oh it looked benign.  
Heard the stuff you always hear, that God Damned tired retread line!
Talk, talk, talk, talk and yet some more, help, heal, hide, opine?

Come on down and look for me, but what you saw isn't what you see
Come on down and look for me so sad and drowned in anxiety
Come on down and look for me, What will we tell society?
Come on down and look for me, but what you saw isn't what you see

That life is gone for good, there ain't no recreating.
You left, you left, you left! and now it's me left waiting.
The life, the girl, her heart, her soul, No! Not coming back.
You took my always. Then and now, and all I see is lack.

Come on down and look for me, but what you saw isn't what you see
Come on down and look for me so sad and drowned in anxiety
Come on down and look for me,  What will we tell society?
Come on down and look for me, but what you saw isn't what you see

The ghost steps out from the corporeal
You see its glow unreal?
I bet you know how its story ends
Share with me please if it transcends?

Come on down and look for me, but what you saw isn't what you see
Come on down and look for me so sad and drowned in anxiety
Come on down and look for me, What will we tell society?
Come on down and look for me, but what you saw isn't what you see