Hard Lessons Learned

Communication is frustrating.
Even after you think you have been as clear as can be there still can be issues. Actually I mean to say there definitely will be issues.

In the last few weeks there have been issues. Unhappy ones for me. As a result though, we each know the other better. If one intends to go forward this is a good thing.

It sure would have been less painful to have a Vulcan mind meld, a school marm lecture, a billboard, telegram ( singing even ) sign language, hell I'd have even opted for Klingon! Alas it was not to be. The hard way it was. 

So what was learned? I am a grown up. I am able to make my own decisions. I know what is best for me and as we should have learned in kindergarten-keep your hands to yourself. A person may do as much harm with good intentions as with bad.

What is intimacy? A discussion was had. Expectations were clarified. Two smart people can still see things very differently. What is important to me can be no big deal to another.

I gave some thought to removing my last blog post. But as I reread it I realized I would really change only one thing and that is this-I've come to believe the second email from the coworker was not a fake. I can still see how I could come to that conclusion though.

Ultimately it came down to protection. Defining when it was necessary and when it was not. Hard lessons learned and sad.

But Wait! There's More

You know how truth is stranger than fiction? Got one for you.

GF gets email from coworker in which they are clearly discussing the possibility of my 'symptoms' being either borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. After providing links to the GF so she can study up on these disorders the email ends like this:
'I hope these help. If i can help in any way or answer any questions let me know. I know this is hard on you and her also.'

Apparently if you don't bounce right back Pollyannaish from being assaulted, if you need some time to heal, if you experience ups and downs of emotions during that time, you possess either borderline personality disorder or are bipolar.

Speculating about my mental health with someone I have met twice in passing is inappropriate, shames and humiliates me. But wait there's more!

After confronting the GF with the above facts she lies, back pedals and sidesteps trying to say the email was not about me. (I'm looking around for the proverbial turnip truck.)
I succinctly informed her what I thought of her and these tactics. But wait there's more!

Then the coworker sends KD another email that is so obviously faked it was a total insult to my intelligence. The email was written to agree with KDs lying almost word for word.

Inappropriate is hard to handle especially because discussions have been had when this type of inappropriate sharing occurred before. And because I know this was done to KDs ex with friends and teachers. KD does not learn her lessons and therefore repeats them.

(To be clear. I have probably been in counseling in my life for a total of about three years with three different mental health professionals. One a psychologist and two master level marriage and family counselors. During all that time spent in intense work with these mental health professionals at no time did any of them provide those diagnosis's.)

As I said inappropriate is hard to handle but the lying is not acceptable on any level.

These life lessons keep on a coming. This one has kicked me in the gut. Devastated.
It makes you wonder if you ever really know anyone.

If You Knew How Many Tears You Caused

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you still have ripped away my trust,
That I'm sure will never mend?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your intentions have been different?
Would you have thought far less right then?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your hands have touched me differently,
Would your ears have heard my cries, my pleas?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your arms have gripped me to console,
Instead of what they did?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have shoved me through that door,
Supposedly safe falling towards your floor?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have known way better than me,
as I made fruitless efforts to defend?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have extinguished the light
From the eyes of your girlfriend?

Sorry-ness

I told my brother that my ex's recent comment of feeling sorry for my GF
shouldn't hurt but it did. Why? The GF and I have had a full year. There have been highs and plenty of lows. Those lows have been very hard on both of us, So when I received that comment, it hit me hard. Could it be true? Was she right to feel sorry for my GF? My heart sank and sank as I contemplated this.

She tells me often that I am her highest priority. That she loves me. That I am wonderful. I do not disbelieve her, rather, it feels like I am a windshield that has been treated with a product designed to repel water. I receive the compliments but they do not always penetrate. I am careful to keep from giving all. I'm not sure i'll ever be able to.

That trust thing has caused most of the lows we've experienced. Communication is another challenge. We are just different enough that how we see things differs. I think each time we realize this about an issue we feel a little surprised. We are both 51. We've lived our lives as strangers. We've lived substantially different lives. Communication will be an ongoing challenge.

That is if there is ongoing. A low that I've blogged about already has changed things between us in a very substantial way. It happened the same day I received the comment from the ex. It's as if she is still poisoning me. I do know better. But still...
So now I have to admit that the question of whether or not it was right for her to feel sorry for my GF has switched to me being sorry for myself.
Sorry that this has happened. So sorry. And now I wonder about another question-are she and I going to be able to reconcile?

I feel sorry for my brother having to experience this drama even a little. I wish he had known me before. He'd have seen as drama free a little housewife as ever there was. But here I am. Hope he knows my goal is not to inflict any more drama on him as is possible. And to give back to him even a little of the support and care he has shown me.

And I Glow

may have been

knocked down 

by you

but I have risen

looking in the mirror 

reflecting back is me

and I glow

with transcendence

a glitch upon the path

a lesson to be learned 

by someone with open eyes

and bleeding heart

looking in the mirror

reflecting back is me

and I glow

with transcendence

choices before, memories aft

I am made up of these with 

a curious spark of more than humanity

and I glow

Glimmers

Trust is an odd beast.
We Capricorns are born suspicious. It takes a major effort to get past our walls.

I don't like group projects. Usually I can do the job better and more efficiently. Not bragging just stating the facts.

But last time I checked it isn't all that easy ( though not impossible ) to construct a family yourself. And I wanted one. Can't imagine life without my sons. So I trusted a guy. All was well until I found out he just didn't think. Uh oh. Trouble.

For the last four years I've been-well lets say not where I thought I'd be. I remember a lot of the feelings from those first few months and the accompanying paralysis. Who knew I'd develop such a bond with the couch?

Fast forward to September 27, 2012. For the last year and a half I had decided to trust a girl, at least as much as I was able, which is to say a bit.
In her case, she thought too much and decided she knew what was best for me and enforced it.

Betrayal is how I have come to title these incidents. I do understand that I could choose to perceive these things in a different way, thus saving myself a lot of grief. But being who I am, someone who values loyalty, honorable behavior and truth, my perception stands.

Good people are capable of doing very bad things. This is a truth that I find very difficult to reconcile and accept. People do not behave like I do for better or for worse.

So here I am in the midst of Deja Vu. I don't depend on the girl for a roof and three squares so there is that.
I catch myself looking at her like Harry Potter looked in the mirror which showed him his fondest wish. Then I have to clear my head of cobwebs and try to see her in the new reality. I waver between how I thought it was and how it really is now. I remember doing the exact same thing before.

Revisiting these feelings is devastating. How many times in this lifetime am I expected to hear 'I'm sorry' and be thought churlish if I don't embrace it wholeheartedly?

I'm having glimmers of a new perception. Perhaps these group projects aren't for me either.

Longing for the Sun

During the sunlight I can forget, somewhat, the feeling of being made to do something. Enforced. But in the dark it hits me. And I feel sick to my stomach. I catch myself thinking for just a brief moment it couldn't have happened. Because I wish so much it had not. 

I wonder how I will get past this. If I can get past this. And I remember most of these feelings from 2008. I can remember wondering if I was making too big a deal out of it then. But I wasn't. They both were violations of sacred trust. 

It's hard not to wonder why this happened. Why these things both happened to me. It's hard not to think of these things as punishment. 

It's hard not to wonder if anyone is out there who I can be safe with and who behaves honorably. 

You See It's Glow Unreal?

Today I hurt. And am so sad. Throw in some despair there too. And frustration. And anger. 

But who do you sit down with over a cup of coffee and talk about the event that brought about those feelings? I don't wish to dump on people. They have their own problems. 

And if I should begin to speak I do not know where I would end up. 

So that is why my glow is unreal today and likely for many tomorrows.