Friday, December 21, 2012

Cryptic Post with Haiku

I don't understand. Even after explanations ( of a sort ).

Boulders in rivers //
The water must flow around //
To journey forward //

I'm the water.

No further questions will be asked. Acceptance- as action at this point would be deprived of meaning anyway.

As I flow I alter course to maneuver around. Wonder if it will be noticed?

Friday, December 14, 2012

Of Expectations Not Met

If you have expectations that aren't being met (even after you have communicated them to the very best of your ability) then at some point you must rid yourself of those expectations.

That is what I have done today with a long standing issue. Since I couldn't change the problem, despite sincere efforts, I changed me.

I was tired of being hurt and disappointed more times than not. I was tired of communicating on the issue without seeing any change. So I changed.

It was interesting to see the reaction when I shared this. My interpretation of this reaction was part aggravation but also some relief. Which I understand. It has to be tough to be the one disappointing, not meeting expectations. The issue has gone on for so long that I have come to believe there will not be a resolution to it that will make me happy.

So to achieve any peace I must change me and my expectations. When I decided to do this I had some regret because I had held out hope for so long. The other feeling I had was gratitude that the negative feelings of hurt and disappointment would leave me. It was hard carrying the heaviness of spirit they engendered.

In another matter disappointment surfaced. A friend disappointed me. But after I thought about it, I realized this friend was acting as she was capable and without all the facts. These are facts that I won't provide her because setting out dirty laundry is not a classy way to behave. My friend has a tender heart. I am sure she feels she is championing the under dog. Since I have always admired my friend's tender heart I must in this case as well. Still it is hard to have someone you care about not giving you the benefit of the doubt. I had hoped I had demonstrated enough love and loyalty to her that a measure of them could be returned to me on faith. But it is quite possible that how I choose to behave is a disappointment to her.

Life is a learning experience.
I am it's student.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Herding Cats

December 7, 2012 According to the Mayan calendar rumors we have about two weeks left.

I'll admit to pessimist leanings. Leanings notwithstanding, this has been a tough year for me and the girl. (A growth year which implies change and we all know how much I love change.)

Was at the Ob doc yesterday for annual plumbing check. He had a doc with him that he appeared to be mentoring. During the course of the appointment I was thinking back to the previous visit a year ago. It occurred to me,and I said to them, that I was happier this year than at the last visit. The younger doc asked why I thought that was. I said because I had accepted that I won't know tomorrow. That I was happier with the circumstances of my life and that I was happy doing art.

Tomorrow will come. That's about all I know. And that's with the assumption the Mayans were not correct. I find myself with less inner 'railing' against a non mapped out tomorrow. To be absolutely honest I'm not sure why. Possibly because last year and certainly the year before, I railed quite a bit. This blog is proof. The railing consisted of fear, guilt and frustration at the circumstances of my life. Fear is still with me but I have faced it and moved past it in some cases. Intend for that to continue.

Guilt is an emotion that lives in my pores due to being a mother, a woman and having Jewish ancestry. Guilt over what has happened. Logically I have to realize if an event has happened it can't be changed. To get past the guilt I've been employing the 'what did I learn from this' approach. That works for me on a couple of levels.
1) while not competitive with others I am competitive with myself. So it is challenging to do the thinking and the figuring out.
2) this is an action step. The action, however minor, is movement. Movement can assist in not getting mired. If you are not mired you can keep moving past the guilt, hopefully with the insight gained in the previous step.

Frustration with the circumstances of my life all evolved from the question why or
(read in whiny voice) why me? If you have raised children you probably remember when they were in their why stage. Asking the question incessantly til you are convinced you will go insane. Finally most of us throw out this phrase hoping to end the why tirade: 'Just because!'

Why did my husband involve himself in a porn addiction? Why couldn't he have handled his work/life issues more appropriately? Why did he deceive me for 1/3 of our marriage? Why did he do this to me? Why must my life be changed as a result? Why could he not have thought how it would effect me and our marriage?

Why did I make a choice to involve myself romantically with a woman? Why did that end so spectacularly horribly? Why the hell did I choose to do the same thing again with another woman?

Why am I lacking in courage? Why did I not leave the husband? Why have I still not left him? Why do I still care? Why does his opinion of me make any difference to me?

Why did I complicate my life with extraneous romantic feelings?
Why do I care what her opinion is of me? Why am I lacking in courage? Why have I not chosen to live with her?

Why, why, why???
Just because.
Choices were made. Circumstances have arrived. The cliched- it is what it is. And so, here, am I. What's next?

Here is what I'm planning for today:
Go back to sleep til breakfast. Eat something with protein.
Watch GMA with my cup of hot tea. Get cleaned up and dressed.
Laundry. Remove fall decor. Go by the optician's to pick up new contacts.
Go to the studio and paint, pay utilities. Take the girl to the new YMCA open house. Go home. Cook dinner. More laundry. Couch and tv after. Bed

That's what I'm planning anyway. But one thing I have learned from life, planning it is about as useful as herding cats.