Sunday, September 30, 2012

Across a Gulf Wide

across a gulf wide //
can't see, but I remember //
feeling safe with you // 

Pain. Now where did I // 
stash it away? Disregard. //
It's here in my heart. //  

My Heart, how could you? //
how could you rip me and tear? // 
how could gentle leave? // 

You do not hear me //
I can not have you near me //
I'm afraid Yes me //

Broken to know // 
You're fine branding me to blame // 
Will you never learn? // 

Your hands so cherished //
Your hands so loved, once gentle //
Pushed me to the ground // 

You can not make me //
Do your will by threatening // 
By assault. Oh God! // 

You'd let me believe // 
There was something seriously //
Wrong with me? You? You?! // 

I am lost. Looking. //
For the haven that was once // 
found within your arms. //

09/30/12

You do not deserve //
Any part of my happy //
Any part of me //

glomming. sucking. leech. //
stealing life's blood. because 
you //
do not have your own // 

your empty never //
will be filled. your vacant 
bulk, //
transparent to me. //  

Outer different. //
Begrudge. Envy. Control. 
Lies. //
Inhabit inner. // 

How can two, view you //
So differently when you //
Are the very same? // 

You are a fucking  //
bitch. a loser. attitude //
of owe, of woe is // 

looking in. smiling. //
acting. do not trust that smile! //
it hides envy. False! // 

Hammering. Wishing. //
I could hurt you. Severely. //
Pounding. Till I'm done. //  

dissect. slice and dice. // 
remake in your head's image // 
of how I should be. // 

sitting in a box. //
looking out. because looking //
in would reveal. //

manipulate words. //
attempting to influence. //
remodel to suit.  // 

you can not see past //
chip on your shoulder,
boulder // 
it may as well be //  

passing you on by //
moving right along. looking //
at nil seeing you //

Friday, September 21, 2012

Coloring Outside the Lines

I wish I could convince my self that relationships were easy. I'd like to believe that they are in hopes that the belief would affect the outcome. But I'm not there yet.

I got married at 20. I shudder to think on it now. But it was done back in the day. We stumbled along with good days and bad ones until the redefining days of 2008. We remain under the same roof. This has advantages for both of us or we wouldn't be handling things this way. Maybe it is just too hard to imagine otherwise. As long as you can't imagine otherwise it won't happen. But I notice when my mind drifts towards a change I no longer feel paralyzing fear. It's a start.

Spoke to a young man in his twenties yesterday. His brief marriage ended over the summer due to infidelity on her part. When he found out he immediately took off his ring, moved out into an apartment and in a flash began restructuring his life. I don't do anything in a flash. But I am doing some things. Some of the things ( and maybe the most important ) is head work. Have had counseling, probably 2.5 years in total. I'd recommend it when you are lost and feel alone. They can help you ground yourself. What they can't do is figure it out for you. They can't see into your future any more than you can.

Goals are tricky things. Most advise to set some. I wonder about that. Are we setting ourselves up to only color within the lines? If no goals are present what do you aim for? I did set some goals for my work. I felt better having them in place. I have achieved some since last fall. My pace is slow. I think that may be a trait of Capricorns. Plodding along but not stopping. I am cautiously pleased at what I have achieved so far but I'm not sure anyone else would be. Lets just say for a certainty that Mr. Trump has nothing to fear.

I have set some goals. But I hope to achieve holistically. I don't want to narrow the outlines to the point that I miss something good. I trust I'll recognize good when I see it.

Within a relationship I don't know that I can trust myself to recognize good. Obviously if someone beats the shit out of you that isn't good. But it is the opposite end of the spectrum I have trouble with. If someone is nice to me I get uncomfortable. I'm the giver. That is my role. Accepting is difficult. It feels so awkward. And leaning towards distrust and pessimism my mind jumps to the whys of the actions. Damn suspicious Capricorn.

I was told recently that when I really learn to trust myself that trust in others will follow. Sounds reasonable. Just not fully attainable at present. But I'll keep plodding along-remembering there is nothing wrong with coloring outside the lines. I might find something good.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Maybe They Need the Hunger

Why are we so anxious to rescue people? More and more I feel uncomfortable with the idea that they even need help. This may sound heartless but what if hunger is necessary to prompt someone to better their own circumstances? Or what if the experience of being 'poor' leads to a creative idea that benefits others and provides abundance to the previously 'poor' person.

Why are we so arrogant to believe that our own lifestyle is what everyone should aspire to? Diversity is fine so long as you are not tainted with it.

Your preferences are your own. They do not need to be mine or that homeless guy's you see shuffling off to The Lords Diner for his next meal. We may not understand why a person would make the choices they do and experience the consequences that result from those choices but why do we think we have to?

Helpless creatures and people will always be the exception to this. No one wants another child being found starving in a closet. No one could agree that harming an animal is the right thing.

People living in other places, who do not choose to live like the majority of Americans, don't need missionaries looking to save them. It's possible they could use clean water, knowledge to help them provide for their own dinner table or a warm article of clothing. But they do not need their souls saved. Their souls are Jim Dandy. Their choices belong to them. Who or what they worship is not my business.

Sometimes life carries us to a place deeper and darker than we ever imagined so that we are then moved to look for the light. It isn't always possible to know the whys of these things. We just don't have a big enough perspective

Before you righteously open your wallet and hand the homeless guy 3 bucks for McDonalds, consider what the hunger might be teaching him. Perhaps the hunger will move him to better his circumstance or maybe not. Maybe he made a decision at the soul level to experience this. Help is not always the right option because in making the decision to help we are arrogantly assuming, because of our own limited perspective, that they need it. Maybe they need the hunger.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Ghost is Me

Maybe I should begin with the title. The Ghost Steps Out. The Ghost is me. These words were also included in a poem I wrote about a life altering incident that came about in November 2008. Ghost is also how I have felt in a good part of my long term marriage. 

Even though you might feel frozen by events that happen in your life. It is not true that life stops. Mine hasn't. In this new blog I'm changing things up. I was urged by a family member to get rid of my prior blog because she was concerned it might hurt people close to me. For this reason, I plan to remain known simply as Ghost. I choose to begin this new blog for other reasons as well. I will be able to write more freely. Share more freely.

I won't stop writing my experience because it helps me to cope and heal. I believe it could help others as well. I share my experience and thoughts, trusting now, that those who are meant to see them will find them and those who I no longer wish to have in my life will not. 

Monday, September 10, 2012

Baseline to Decent

Two people have told me in the last 6 weeks that I inspire them. One even said that he models himself after me.

I am struck dumb by these compliments. I'm tempted to jump in front of a mirror to make sure I am still me or to look behind myself for the other person that, surely, they must be talking to. 

See, I feel so flawed. Am I a decent person? Yes. If you are my friend could you call for help and be sure you'll get it?  Yes. If I say I love you do I mean it? Hell yes. 

But isn't the above paragraph the baseline to decent? I can draw. I was a good Mom. Obviously a flawed wife. Mostly a law abiding citizen, my bail fund, courtesy of my Brother, notwithstanding. 
I have picked myself up, albeit slowly, from a life altering event and am struggling forward. 

I just don't see what there is in all that to inspire. I am not a Mother Teresa clone. In fact most of society would not approve of me for a variety of reasons. Yes I have some friends that love me. But I tend to think I just got awful lucky to have found them. 

I also have had some folks that have referred to me as narcissistic, self involved, hurtful, offensive etc. 

I just don't see how a person who struggles as much as I do to make it from one day to the next, who has no idea where her life is headed, who has contributed as little as I have, is inspirational. 

The guys were sweet but they were wrong. I am not inspiring. I  am screwed up, flawed, stubborn, confused, lost and despair far more often then I let on. 

At times I hate me. 

Inspiring is someone who uplifts. Not someone struggling to stay afloat.


Saturday, September 8, 2012

Hey, Hey

'Hey, Hey Good Lookin, whatcha got cookin'? How's about cookin' somethin up with me?' ~Hank Williams

Hank makes it seem so easy. It ain't.