Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Dichotomy of Change

Tomorrow a big event will happen in my life. One I have dreamed about for the longest time. A dream come true you might say.

But it has come in the wake of a change in my life I did not anticipate or want and that part beings me to my knees with grief and sadness.

I have not shared this with many people. The ones that know respond in a puzzled way which I understand. Like many other things in my life this event is not regulation.

I am also trying to process this and have had my ups and downs. So strange to realize a long held dream could also bring me grief. I don't think I could have gone forward with this if not for the sad change in my life so, in effect, this would not have been happening without the sadness that went before. It is hard to separate the two events. I know the best way to handle things is to focus on all the good aspects this event will bring. It's just that tonight the sadness overwhelms and the fear as well.

One event that illustrates the dichotomy of change.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Signs, Signs

Made a decision that I thought would be tough but it really wasn't. It was about personal freedom and the fact that, to the extent we do not harm others, we are all entitled to it.

Looking forward rather than behind makes sense to me and that is what I'm doing in a strangely cheerful way! It is really all good and will continue to be as long as I'm true to me.

Is that always an easy thing to pull off? No. But it is easier than it used to be. Whoa!! A sign of maturity? Maybe yes or maybe no as I just giggled. Someone has to.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Anniversary #2

The girl and I celebrated our second anniversary. The fact that we made it flabbergasts me. Because, boy howdy, this has been a tough year.

All kinds of rough happenings have taken place. Seriously, I have no idea how we made it this far. The anniversary trip echoed the year. About half good and half REALLY not good.

I'm in therapy ( again ). And one thing I'm working on is how to manage anger and not say things I don't mean. You may think this is kindergarten stuff and for a kindergartener it probably wouldn't be that tough. Why? Because they don't come with the baggage I do.

I'm not proud I have to work on this but at the same time I'm not the most horrible person in the world either. This plus my tendency towards pessimism and inability to tolerate criticism ( real or imagined) don't make me an easy person though, that is for sure. But, then, neither is she. She worked at a newspaper for over 30 years. That environment doesn't foster much sensitivity though she does try.

If I feel attacked I attack back or withdraw. As she has pointed out many times neither of these things helps. Criticism feels like a personal attack to me even something minor. Should I be a better person and handle these things better? Yes, of course. But in the moment I feel so hurt I start in with no brakes. Saying things I mostly don't mean after even a short time has passed. Then the sinking of the heart feeling comes along with the stubbornness of holding ground I don't even want to hold! I'm about as much fun as a barrel of monkeys.

Communication can only help if both parties trust what the other is saying and if there is true communication. I think we have issues with both of these things. Her teasing feels like criticism. To her it is not. But that is what it feels like to me. She teases like guys tease. Put downs and making fun. That is not teasing to me. It is put downs and making fun neither of which fosters good relationships.

Differences in our backgrounds continues to be problematic. She expects things from me that I haven't had to do before because in a relationship with a man he usually does those things. Also she has been single most of her life. She hasn't had anyone else to do for her so she just handles things. I'm not saying this is bad just that we have very different backgrounds.

My best friend laughed at me when I told her I wasn't good with change. Apparently she figured going from being with a man to a woman demonstrated differently. But she is wrong. Both in bedroom and out has been so hard. Hard enough that I don't know why I'm still trying except I love her.