Coloring Outside the Lines

I wish I could convince my self that relationships were easy. I'd like to believe that they are in hopes that the belief would affect the outcome. But I'm not there yet.

I got married at 20. I shudder to think on it now. But it was done back in the day. We stumbled along with good days and bad ones until the redefining days of 2008. We remain under the same roof. This has advantages for both of us or we wouldn't be handling things this way. Maybe it is just too hard to imagine otherwise. As long as you can't imagine otherwise it won't happen. But I notice when my mind drifts towards a change I no longer feel paralyzing fear. It's a start.

Spoke to a young man in his twenties yesterday. His brief marriage ended over the summer due to infidelity on her part. When he found out he immediately took off his ring, moved out into an apartment and in a flash began restructuring his life. I don't do anything in a flash. But I am doing some things. Some of the things ( and maybe the most important ) is head work. Have had counseling, probably 2.5 years in total. I'd recommend it when you are lost and feel alone. They can help you ground yourself. What they can't do is figure it out for you. They can't see into your future any more than you can.

Goals are tricky things. Most advise to set some. I wonder about that. Are we setting ourselves up to only color within the lines? If no goals are present what do you aim for? I did set some goals for my work. I felt better having them in place. I have achieved some since last fall. My pace is slow. I think that may be a trait of Capricorns. Plodding along but not stopping. I am cautiously pleased at what I have achieved so far but I'm not sure anyone else would be. Lets just say for a certainty that Mr. Trump has nothing to fear.

I have set some goals. But I hope to achieve holistically. I don't want to narrow the outlines to the point that I miss something good. I trust I'll recognize good when I see it.

Within a relationship I don't know that I can trust myself to recognize good. Obviously if someone beats the shit out of you that isn't good. But it is the opposite end of the spectrum I have trouble with. If someone is nice to me I get uncomfortable. I'm the giver. That is my role. Accepting is difficult. It feels so awkward. And leaning towards distrust and pessimism my mind jumps to the whys of the actions. Damn suspicious Capricorn.

I was told recently that when I really learn to trust myself that trust in others will follow. Sounds reasonable. Just not fully attainable at present. But I'll keep plodding along-remembering there is nothing wrong with coloring outside the lines. I might find something good.