Baseline to Decent

Two people have told me in the last 6 weeks that I inspire them. One even said that he models himself after me.

I am struck dumb by these compliments. I'm tempted to jump in front of a mirror to make sure I am still me or to look behind myself for the other person that, surely, they must be talking to. 

See, I feel so flawed. Am I a decent person? Yes. If you are my friend could you call for help and be sure you'll get it?  Yes. If I say I love you do I mean it? Hell yes. 

But isn't the above paragraph the baseline to decent? I can draw. I was a good Mom. Obviously a flawed wife. Mostly a law abiding citizen, my bail fund, courtesy of my Brother, notwithstanding. 

I have picked myself up, albeit slowly, from a life altering event and am struggling forward. 

I just don't see what there is in all that to inspire. I am not a Mother Teresa clone. In fact most of society would not approve of me for a variety of reasons. Yes I have some friends that love me. But I tend to think I just got awful lucky to have found them. 

I also have had some folks that have referred to me as narcissistic, self involved, hurtful, offensive etc. 

I just don't see how a person who struggles as much as I do to make it from one day to the next, who has no idea where her life is headed, who has contributed as little as I have, is inspirational. 

The guys were sweet but they were wrong. I am not inspiring. I  am screwed up, flawed, stubborn, confused, lost and despair far more often then I let on. 

At times I hate me. 

Inspiring is someone who uplifts. Not someone struggling to stay afloat.