On Your Birthday

Last year we were so far apart for your important number. This year the number is more important to me because it is the very first we will celebrate together. 

We are celebrating the day you came into existence and became a blessing to so many then and so many more throughout the years. I have seen you as a young one in pictures and video. In some ways you haven't changed. I saw focus, seriousness, goofiness and love of family. 

We talk. And talk. And talk. Like your complicated green eyes, you too are complicated. You are not boring. I think you must get weary of the questions I ask about all the time before I knew you. Because I don't find you as readable as you do me, I long to know you more. And asking questions, even about things you'd rather not discuss, is my attempt to bridge those years we spent apart and try to understand you.

You lived a different life than I. In many ways you are more adventurous though I'm not sure you'd agree with this. Your parents were very different from mine. You had experiences and relationships quite different from my own. I think you have lead a broader ( no pun intended ) life than I. I admire you for this and truth told envy the guts it must have taken to live your life as you did. I admire your work life and am still thrilled the editor read something I had written and took time to write me back. 

I have looked at pictures of you in more recent years and grieve that sadness and stress has seemed to etch itself in your face. I wish those years had not brought you pain and heartache. In the very worst way I wish this. No matter if we had never met-I wish this. But I was not able to organize you then ( smile ) and life brought to you what it did. I can not make up for it though I'd give about anything to do so. 

You tell me you are happy. You've repeated it so often now you would think I could believe you. But because I think you deserve the world on a shiny platter, I still doubt. Along with the fact I am nigh impossible to get along with, my doubts continue.

On your birthday I was not able to get you the world on a shiny platter. Instead you got a practical gift from a practical girl-who loves you with all her heart.