Herding Cats

December 7, 2012 According to the Mayan calendar rumors we have about two weeks left.

I'll admit to pessimist leanings. Leanings notwithstanding, this has been a tough year for me and the girl. (A growth year which implies change and we all know how much I love change.)

Was at the Ob doc yesterday for annual plumbing check. He had a doc with him that he appeared to be mentoring. During the course of the appointment I was thinking back to the previous visit a year ago. It occurred to me,and I said to them, that I was happier this year than at the last visit. The younger doc asked why I thought that was. I said because I had accepted that I won't know tomorrow. That I was happier with the circumstances of my life and that I was happy doing art.

Tomorrow will come. That's about all I know. And that's with the assumption the Mayans were not correct. I find myself with less inner 'railing' against a non mapped out tomorrow. To be absolutely honest I'm not sure why. Possibly because last year and certainly the year before, I railed quite a bit. This blog is proof. The railing consisted of fear, guilt and frustration at the circumstances of my life. Fear is still with me but I have faced it and moved past it in some cases. Intend for that to continue.

Guilt is an emotion that lives in my pores due to being a mother, a woman and having Jewish ancestry. Guilt over what has happened. Logically I have to realize if an event has happened it can't be changed. To get past the guilt I've been employing the 'what did I learn from this' approach. That works for me on a couple of levels.
1) while not competitive with others I am competitive with myself. So it is challenging to do the thinking and the figuring out.
2) this is an action step. The action, however minor, is movement. Movement can assist in not getting mired. If you are not mired you can keep moving past the guilt, hopefully with the insight gained in the previous step.

Frustration with the circumstances of my life all evolved from the question why or
(read in whiny voice) why me? If you have raised children you probably remember when they were in their why stage. Asking the question incessantly til you are convinced you will go insane. Finally most of us throw out this phrase hoping to end the why tirade: 'Just because!'

Why did my husband involve himself in a porn addiction? Why couldn't he have handled his work/life issues more appropriately? Why did he deceive me for 1/3 of our marriage? Why did he do this to me? Why must my life be changed as a result? Why could he not have thought how it would effect me and our marriage?

Why did I make a choice to involve myself romantically with a woman? Why did that end so spectacularly horribly? Why the hell did I choose to do the same thing again with another woman?

Why am I lacking in courage? Why did I not leave the husband? Why have I still not left him? Why do I still care? Why does his opinion of me make any difference to me?

Why did I complicate my life with extraneous romantic feelings?
Why do I care what her opinion is of me? Why am I lacking in courage? Why have I not chosen to live with her?

Why, why, why???
Just because.
Choices were made. Circumstances have arrived. The cliched- it is what it is. And so, here, am I. What's next?

Here is what I'm planning for today:
Go back to sleep til breakfast. Eat something with protein.
Watch GMA with my cup of hot tea. Get cleaned up and dressed.
Laundry. Remove fall decor. Go by the optician's to pick up new contacts.
Go to the studio and paint, pay utilities. Take the girl to the new YMCA open house. Go home. Cook dinner. More laundry. Couch and tv after. Bed

That's what I'm planning anyway. But one thing I have learned from life, planning it is about as useful as herding cats.