Listening til the Whistle Fades Away

I was 16 or 17 one night in late spring as I laid in bed under my open window. I remember the cool breeze blowing in and the sound of a train whistle in the distance mixed with the sounds of a graduation party being held a couple of blocks away. I listened to the train until I could no longer hear it and just the voices remained.
That night comes to mind now as I am doing a very similar thing to what I was doing all those years ago.  The train made me think of other places. Places very different than my home, family, school and work. And I lay there wondering where I'd be going and what I'd be doing in the years ahead. I felt curious but also a bit apprehensive because home was what I knew.

Here I am again. My day job as Mom for the most part complete. My youngest son will be spending the next school year in Germany, my oldest stepping out into the world having just graduated from college. I am content with the job I did with them (along with their father). They are good young men.

I have come to understand that a person is not what they do. If all you want to know about me is what I do, it might be a short conversation. The question itself, though, will tell me a lot about you.
Who I am is not always clear even to myself. I have always felt different. And I am not sure why. It was as if  I was living my life but watching myself live my life at the same time. I know I have an open mind. I am quite a bit more introspective then most would imagine. I think a lot. Too much probably. I tweeted about being stressed when a fellow driver shares a friendly wave. Forcing me to think if I know the person and where from etc. A nice lady responded, "Just wave back Babe."
What? You can do that?

Where I am today is not where I thought I'd be. There are good things about it and some that just really suck. There are days where some happiness touches me and others where death beckons.
There are days when hope lightens the load and days where I wish I could scream out at the unfairness of it.

Like the teenager that I was, I sometimes feel misunderstood and put upon. Therapist says we have all the freedom we could want. That a person just has to choose and keep choosing. That where the pain is is that uncomfortable place on the proverbial fence. 

But you know what? Sometimes it is all just too much. To consider, grasp and choose. So for today, I'm just going to choose to wave back.