Cryptic Post with Haiku

I don't understand. Even after explanations ( of a sort ).

Boulders in rivers //
The water must flow around //
To journey forward //

I'm the water.

No further questions will be asked. Acceptance- as action at this point would be deprived of meaning anyway.

As I flow I alter course to maneuver around. Wonder if it will be noticed?

Of Expectations Not Met

If you have expectations that aren't being met (even after you have communicated them to the very best of your ability) then at some point you must rid yourself of those expectations.

That is what I have done today with a long standing issue. Since I couldn't change the problem, despite sincere efforts, I changed me.

I was tired of being hurt and disappointed more times than not. I was tired of communicating on the issue without seeing any change. So I changed.

It was interesting to see the reaction when I shared this. My interpretation of this reaction was part aggravation but also some relief. Which I understand. It has to be tough to be the one disappointing, not meeting expectations. The issue has gone on for so long that I have come to believe there will not be a resolution to it that will make me happy.

So to achieve any peace I must change me and my expectations. When I decided to do this I had some regret because I had held out hope for so long. The other feeling I had was gratitude that the negative feelings of hurt and disappointment would leave me. It was hard carrying the heaviness of spirit they engendered.

In another matter disappointment surfaced. A friend disappointed me. But after I thought about it, I realized this friend was acting as she was capable and without all the facts. These are facts that I won't provide her because setting out dirty laundry is not a classy way to behave. My friend has a tender heart. I am sure she feels she is championing the under dog. Since I have always admired my friend's tender heart I must in this case as well. Still it is hard to have someone you care about not giving you the benefit of the doubt. I had hoped I had demonstrated enough love and loyalty to her that a measure of them could be returned to me on faith. But it is quite possible that how I choose to behave is a disappointment to her.

Life is a learning experience.
I am it's student.

Herding Cats

December 7, 2012 According to the Mayan calendar rumors we have about two weeks left.

I'll admit to pessimist leanings. Leanings notwithstanding, this has been a tough year for me and the girl. (A growth year which implies change and we all know how much I love change.)

Was at the Ob doc yesterday for annual plumbing check. He had a doc with him that he appeared to be mentoring. During the course of the appointment I was thinking back to the previous visit a year ago. It occurred to me,and I said to them, that I was happier this year than at the last visit. The younger doc asked why I thought that was. I said because I had accepted that I won't know tomorrow. That I was happier with the circumstances of my life and that I was happy doing art.

Tomorrow will come. That's about all I know. And that's with the assumption the Mayans were not correct. I find myself with less inner 'railing' against a non mapped out tomorrow. To be absolutely honest I'm not sure why. Possibly because last year and certainly the year before, I railed quite a bit. This blog is proof. The railing consisted of fear, guilt and frustration at the circumstances of my life. Fear is still with me but I have faced it and moved past it in some cases. Intend for that to continue.

Guilt is an emotion that lives in my pores due to being a mother, a woman and having Jewish ancestry. Guilt over what has happened. Logically I have to realize if an event has happened it can't be changed. To get past the guilt I've been employing the 'what did I learn from this' approach. That works for me on a couple of levels.
1) while not competitive with others I am competitive with myself. So it is challenging to do the thinking and the figuring out.
2) this is an action step. The action, however minor, is movement. Movement can assist in not getting mired. If you are not mired you can keep moving past the guilt, hopefully with the insight gained in the previous step.

Frustration with the circumstances of my life all evolved from the question why or
(read in whiny voice) why me? If you have raised children you probably remember when they were in their why stage. Asking the question incessantly til you are convinced you will go insane. Finally most of us throw out this phrase hoping to end the why tirade: 'Just because!'

Why did my husband involve himself in a porn addiction? Why couldn't he have handled his work/life issues more appropriately? Why did he deceive me for 1/3 of our marriage? Why did he do this to me? Why must my life be changed as a result? Why could he not have thought how it would effect me and our marriage?

Why did I make a choice to involve myself romantically with a woman? Why did that end so spectacularly horribly? Why the hell did I choose to do the same thing again with another woman?

Why am I lacking in courage? Why did I not leave the husband? Why have I still not left him? Why do I still care? Why does his opinion of me make any difference to me?

Why did I complicate my life with extraneous romantic feelings?
Why do I care what her opinion is of me? Why am I lacking in courage? Why have I not chosen to live with her?

Why, why, why???
Just because.
Choices were made. Circumstances have arrived. The cliched- it is what it is. And so, here, am I. What's next?

Here is what I'm planning for today:
Go back to sleep til breakfast. Eat something with protein.
Watch GMA with my cup of hot tea. Get cleaned up and dressed.
Laundry. Remove fall decor. Go by the optician's to pick up new contacts.
Go to the studio and paint, pay utilities. Take the girl to the new YMCA open house. Go home. Cook dinner. More laundry. Couch and tv after. Bed

That's what I'm planning anyway. But one thing I have learned from life, planning it is about as useful as herding cats.

Not Minding

This won't be a profound post. Feeling down and just in a crummy mood altogether. What to do about it? There is an endless stream of advice, inspiring quotes etc that I should be minding. But today is not the day for minding. I think it is a day for wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. I have until tonight at 6:30. After that I need to suck it up and get over myself. Sigh.

Hard Lessons Learned

Communication is frustrating.
Even after you think you have been as clear as can be there still can be issues. Actually I mean to say there definitely will be issues.

In the last few weeks there have been issues. Unhappy ones for me. As a result though, we each know the other better. If one intends to go forward this is a good thing.

It sure would have been less painful to have a Vulcan mind meld, a school marm lecture, a billboard, telegram ( singing even ) sign language, hell I'd have even opted for Klingon! Alas it was not to be. The hard way it was. 

So what was learned? I am a grown up. I am able to make my own decisions. I know what is best for me and as we should have learned in kindergarten-keep your hands to yourself. A person may do as much harm with good intentions as with bad.

What is intimacy? A discussion was had. Expectations were clarified. Two smart people can still see things very differently. What is important to me can be no big deal to another.

I gave some thought to removing my last blog post. But as I reread it I realized I would really change only one thing and that is this-I've come to believe the second email from the coworker was not a fake. I can still see how I could come to that conclusion though.

Ultimately it came down to protection. Defining when it was necessary and when it was not. Hard lessons learned and sad.

But Wait! There's More

You know how truth is stranger than fiction? Got one for you.

GF gets email from coworker in which they are clearly discussing the possibility of my 'symptoms' being either borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. After providing links to the GF so she can study up on these disorders the email ends like this:
'I hope these help. If i can help in any way or answer any questions let me know. I know this is hard on you and her also.'

Apparently if you don't bounce right back Pollyannaish from being assaulted, if you need some time to heal, if you experience ups and downs of emotions during that time, you possess either borderline personality disorder or are bipolar.

Speculating about my mental health with someone I have met twice in passing is inappropriate, shames and humiliates me. But wait there's more!

After confronting the GF with the above facts she lies, back pedals and sidesteps trying to say the email was not about me. (I'm looking around for the proverbial turnip truck.)
I succinctly informed her what I thought of her and these tactics. But wait there's more!

Then the coworker sends KD another email that is so obviously faked it was a total insult to my intelligence. The email was written to agree with KDs lying almost word for word.

Inappropriate is hard to handle especially because discussions have been had when this type of inappropriate sharing occurred before. And because I know this was done to KDs ex with friends and teachers. KD does not learn her lessons and therefore repeats them.

(To be clear. I have probably been in counseling in my life for a total of about three years with three different mental health professionals. One a psychologist and two master level marriage and family counselors. During all that time spent in intense work with these mental health professionals at no time did any of them provide those diagnosis's.)

As I said inappropriate is hard to handle but the lying is not acceptable on any level.

These life lessons keep on a coming. This one has kicked me in the gut. Devastated.
It makes you wonder if you ever really know anyone.

If You Knew How Many Tears You Caused

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you still have ripped away my trust,
That I'm sure will never mend?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your intentions have been different?
Would you have thought far less right then?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your hands have touched me differently,
Would your ears have heard my cries, my pleas?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your arms have gripped me to console,
Instead of what they did?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have shoved me through that door,
Supposedly safe falling towards your floor?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have known way better than me,
as I made fruitless efforts to defend?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have extinguished the light
From the eyes of your girlfriend?

Sorry-ness

I told my brother that my ex's recent comment of feeling sorry for my GF
shouldn't hurt but it did. Why? The GF and I have had a full year. There have been highs and plenty of lows. Those lows have been very hard on both of us, So when I received that comment, it hit me hard. Could it be true? Was she right to feel sorry for my GF? My heart sank and sank as I contemplated this.

She tells me often that I am her highest priority. That she loves me. That I am wonderful. I do not disbelieve her, rather, it feels like I am a windshield that has been treated with a product designed to repel water. I receive the compliments but they do not always penetrate. I am careful to keep from giving all. I'm not sure i'll ever be able to.

That trust thing has caused most of the lows we've experienced. Communication is another challenge. We are just different enough that how we see things differs. I think each time we realize this about an issue we feel a little surprised. We are both 51. We've lived our lives as strangers. We've lived substantially different lives. Communication will be an ongoing challenge.

That is if there is ongoing. A low that I've blogged about already has changed things between us in a very substantial way. It happened the same day I received the comment from the ex. It's as if she is still poisoning me. I do know better. But still...
So now I have to admit that the question of whether or not it was right for her to feel sorry for my GF has switched to me being sorry for myself.
Sorry that this has happened. So sorry. And now I wonder about another question-are she and I going to be able to reconcile?

I feel sorry for my brother having to experience this drama even a little. I wish he had known me before. He'd have seen as drama free a little housewife as ever there was. But here I am. Hope he knows my goal is not to inflict any more drama on him as is possible. And to give back to him even a little of the support and care he has shown me.

And I Glow

may have been

knocked down 

by you

but I have risen

looking in the mirror 

reflecting back is me

and I glow

with transcendence

a glitch upon the path

a lesson to be learned 

by someone with open eyes

and bleeding heart

looking in the mirror

reflecting back is me

and I glow

with transcendence

choices before, memories aft

I am made up of these with 

a curious spark of more than humanity

and I glow

Glimmers

Trust is an odd beast.
We Capricorns are born suspicious. It takes a major effort to get past our walls.

I don't like group projects. Usually I can do the job better and more efficiently. Not bragging just stating the facts.

But last time I checked it isn't all that easy ( though not impossible ) to construct a family yourself. And I wanted one. Can't imagine life without my sons. So I trusted a guy. All was well until I found out he just didn't think. Uh oh. Trouble.

For the last four years I've been-well lets say not where I thought I'd be. I remember a lot of the feelings from those first few months and the accompanying paralysis. Who knew I'd develop such a bond with the couch?

Fast forward to September 27, 2012. For the last year and a half I had decided to trust a girl, at least as much as I was able, which is to say a bit.
In her case, she thought too much and decided she knew what was best for me and enforced it.

Betrayal is how I have come to title these incidents. I do understand that I could choose to perceive these things in a different way, thus saving myself a lot of grief. But being who I am, someone who values loyalty, honorable behavior and truth, my perception stands.

Good people are capable of doing very bad things. This is a truth that I find very difficult to reconcile and accept. People do not behave like I do for better or for worse.

So here I am in the midst of Deja Vu. I don't depend on the girl for a roof and three squares so there is that.
I catch myself looking at her like Harry Potter looked in the mirror which showed him his fondest wish. Then I have to clear my head of cobwebs and try to see her in the new reality. I waver between how I thought it was and how it really is now. I remember doing the exact same thing before.

Revisiting these feelings is devastating. How many times in this lifetime am I expected to hear 'I'm sorry' and be thought churlish if I don't embrace it wholeheartedly?

I'm having glimmers of a new perception. Perhaps these group projects aren't for me either.

Longing for the Sun

During the sunlight I can forget, somewhat, the feeling of being made to do something. Enforced. But in the dark it hits me. And I feel sick to my stomach. I catch myself thinking for just a brief moment it couldn't have happened. Because I wish so much it had not. 

I wonder how I will get past this. If I can get past this. And I remember most of these feelings from 2008. I can remember wondering if I was making too big a deal out of it then. But I wasn't. They both were violations of sacred trust. 

It's hard not to wonder why this happened. Why these things both happened to me. It's hard not to think of these things as punishment. 

It's hard not to wonder if anyone is out there who I can be safe with and who behaves honorably. 

You See It's Glow Unreal?

Today I hurt. And am so sad. Throw in some despair there too. And frustration. And anger. 

But who do you sit down with over a cup of coffee and talk about the event that brought about those feelings? I don't wish to dump on people. They have their own problems. 

And if I should begin to speak I do not know where I would end up. 

So that is why my glow is unreal today and likely for many tomorrows. 

Across a Gulf Wide

across a gulf wide //

can't see, but I remember //

feeling safe with you // 

Pain. Now where did I // 

stash it away? Disregard. //

It's here in my heart. //  

My Heart, how could you? //

how could you rip me and tear? // 

how could gentle leave? // 

You do not hear me //

I can not have you near me //

I'm afraid Yes me //

Broken to know // 

You're fine branding me to blame // 

Will you never learn? // 

Your hands so cherished //

Your hands so loved, once gentle //

Pushed me to the ground // 

You can not make me //

Do your will by threatening // 

By assault. Oh God! // 

You'd let me believe // 

There was something seriously //

Wrong with me? You? You?! // 

I am lost. Looking. //

For the haven that was once // 

found within your arms. //

09/30/12

You do not deserve //

Any part of my happy //

Any part of me //

glomming. sucking. leech. //

stealing life's blood. because 

you //

do not have your own // 

your empty never //

will be filled. your vacant 

bulk, //

transparent to me. //  

Outer different. //

Begrudge. Envy. Control. 

Lies. //

Inhabit inner. // 

How can two, view you //

So differently when you //

Are the very same? // 

You are a fucking  //

bitch. a loser. attitude //

of owe, of woe is // 

looking in. smiling. //

acting. do not trust that smile! //

it hides envy. False! // 

Hammering. Wishing. //

I could hurt you. Severely. //

Pounding. Till I'm done. //  

dissect. slice and dice. // 

remake in your head's image // 

of how I should be. // 

sitting in a box. //

looking out. because looking //

in would reveal. //

manipulate words. //

attempting to influence. //

remodel to suit.  // 

you can not see past //

chip on your shoulder,

boulder // 

it may as well be //  

passing you on by //

moving right along. looking //

at nil seeing you //

Coloring Outside the Lines

I wish I could convince my self that relationships were easy. I'd like to believe that they are in hopes that the belief would affect the outcome. But I'm not there yet.

I got married at 20. I shudder to think on it now. But it was done back in the day. We stumbled along with good days and bad ones until the redefining days of 2008. We remain under the same roof. This has advantages for both of us or we wouldn't be handling things this way. Maybe it is just too hard to imagine otherwise. As long as you can't imagine otherwise it won't happen. But I notice when my mind drifts towards a change I no longer feel paralyzing fear. It's a start.

Spoke to a young man in his twenties yesterday. His brief marriage ended over the summer due to infidelity on her part. When he found out he immediately took off his ring, moved out into an apartment and in a flash began restructuring his life. I don't do anything in a flash. But I am doing some things. Some of the things ( and maybe the most important ) is head work. Have had counseling, probably 2.5 years in total. I'd recommend it when you are lost and feel alone. They can help you ground yourself. What they can't do is figure it out for you. They can't see into your future any more than you can.

Goals are tricky things. Most advise to set some. I wonder about that. Are we setting ourselves up to only color within the lines? If no goals are present what do you aim for? I did set some goals for my work. I felt better having them in place. I have achieved some since last fall. My pace is slow. I think that may be a trait of Capricorns. Plodding along but not stopping. I am cautiously pleased at what I have achieved so far but I'm not sure anyone else would be. Lets just say for a certainty that Mr. Trump has nothing to fear.

I have set some goals. But I hope to achieve holistically. I don't want to narrow the outlines to the point that I miss something good. I trust I'll recognize good when I see it.

Within a relationship I don't know that I can trust myself to recognize good. Obviously if someone beats the shit out of you that isn't good. But it is the opposite end of the spectrum I have trouble with. If someone is nice to me I get uncomfortable. I'm the giver. That is my role. Accepting is difficult. It feels so awkward. And leaning towards distrust and pessimism my mind jumps to the whys of the actions. Damn suspicious Capricorn.

I was told recently that when I really learn to trust myself that trust in others will follow. Sounds reasonable. Just not fully attainable at present. But I'll keep plodding along-remembering there is nothing wrong with coloring outside the lines. I might find something good.

Maybe They Need the Hunger

Why are we so anxious to rescue people? More and more I feel uncomfortable with the idea that they even need help. This may sound heartless but what if hunger is necessary to prompt someone to better their own circumstances? Or what if the experience of being 'poor' leads to a creative idea that benefits others and provides abundance to the previously 'poor' person.

Why are we so arrogant to believe that our own lifestyle is what everyone should aspire to? Diversity is fine so long as you are not tainted with it.

Your preferences are your own. They do not need to be mine or that homeless guy's you see shuffling off to The Lords Diner for his next meal. We may not understand why a person would make the choices they do and experience the consequences that result from those choices but why do we think we have to?

Helpless creatures and people will always be the exception to this. No one wants another child being found starving in a closet. No one could agree that harming an animal is the right thing.

People living in other places, who do not choose to live like the majority of Americans, don't need missionaries looking to save them. It's possible they could use clean water, knowledge to help them provide for their own dinner table or a warm article of clothing. But they do not need their souls saved. Their souls are Jim Dandy. Their choices belong to them. Who or what they worship is not my business.

Sometimes life carries us to a place deeper and darker than we ever imagined so that we are then moved to look for the light. It isn't always possible to know the whys of these things. We just don't have a big enough perspective

Before you righteously open your wallet and hand the homeless guy 3 bucks for McDonalds, consider what the hunger might be teaching him. Perhaps the hunger will move him to better his circumstance or maybe not. Maybe he made a decision at the soul level to experience this. Help is not always the right option because in making the decision to help we are arrogantly assuming, because of our own limited perspective, that they need it. Maybe they need the hunger.

The Ghost is Me

Maybe I should begin with the title. The Ghost Steps Out. The Ghost is me. These words were also included in a poem I wrote about a life altering incident that came about in November 2008. Ghost is also how I have felt in a good part of my long term marriage. 

Even though you might feel frozen by events that happen in your life. It is not true that life stops. Mine hasn't. In this new blog I'm changing things up. I was urged by a family member to get rid of my prior blog because she was concerned it might hurt people close to me. For this reason, I plan to remain known simply as Ghost. I choose to begin this new blog for other reasons as well. I will be able to write more freely. Share more freely.

I won't stop writing my experience because it helps me to cope and heal. I believe it could help others as well. I share my experience and thoughts, trusting now, that those who are meant to see them will find them and those who I no longer wish to have in my life will not. 

Baseline to Decent

Two people have told me in the last 6 weeks that I inspire them. One even said that he models himself after me.

I am struck dumb by these compliments. I'm tempted to jump in front of a mirror to make sure I am still me or to look behind myself for the other person that, surely, they must be talking to. 

See, I feel so flawed. Am I a decent person? Yes. If you are my friend could you call for help and be sure you'll get it?  Yes. If I say I love you do I mean it? Hell yes. 

But isn't the above paragraph the baseline to decent? I can draw. I was a good Mom. Obviously a flawed wife. Mostly a law abiding citizen, my bail fund, courtesy of my Brother, notwithstanding. 

I have picked myself up, albeit slowly, from a life altering event and am struggling forward. 

I just don't see what there is in all that to inspire. I am not a Mother Teresa clone. In fact most of society would not approve of me for a variety of reasons. Yes I have some friends that love me. But I tend to think I just got awful lucky to have found them. 

I also have had some folks that have referred to me as narcissistic, self involved, hurtful, offensive etc. 

I just don't see how a person who struggles as much as I do to make it from one day to the next, who has no idea where her life is headed, who has contributed as little as I have, is inspirational. 

The guys were sweet but they were wrong. I am not inspiring. I  am screwed up, flawed, stubborn, confused, lost and despair far more often then I let on. 

At times I hate me. 

Inspiring is someone who uplifts. Not someone struggling to stay afloat.

Hey, Hey

'Hey, Hey Good Lookin, whatcha got cookin'? How's about cookin' somethin up with me?' ~Hank Williams

Hank makes it seem so easy. It ain't. 

Extinguishing The Flame

I used to think I should not feel certain emotions. So I would try not to, with varied success. Mostly, I think, I was putting off feeling them. I asked the therapist about feeling or not feeling any of the various emotions we humans are subject to. He said 'just try not to' in such a way to indicate that there really wasn't a way to avoid feeling. He gave me some examples of how he handled various emotions. Ways to ride them out? 

You are told to choose to be happy. Still good advice but in the moment I think you can also choose to be any of the emotions you are currently feeling with the goal to not let them wrap you up so tight that happy can't find it's way back to you. 

I am riding out some sadness today. It won't destroy all the pleasures and blessings of this day. I won't let it. I made a decision to accept a situation in my life. Why? I can't change it because I can't change the other person involved. So I was left to make the decision to accept. I feel it is the right decision from several different view points.  But once you make that decision you give up the dream you had of how you hoped things would be. So that is part of the sadness -I've given up my dream. Also making decisions changes you. In this case, I hope to achieve some peace with acceptance, which would be a good change. But in giving up my dream, I know I will be altered, in a way I really had hoped not to be. Part of my flame will be extinguished. That, too, is part of the sadness. Another part is feeling sad that the other person could not step up to be part of my dream. Arrogant expectation, I know, and that is why I accept. But the disappointment and sadness are still there for me to ride out.

I don't know how things will work out. I just know that who I am is being shaped by this decision and every other one I make. Yesterday I was told I was astonishingly perceptive. I believe I am granted a flash of intuition once and awhile. But as regular readers of this blog know, that doesn't often extend to my own path. 

How does this decision make me be? Compassionate. Practical. Realistic. Loving. Those are all welcome ways to be. And in time I hope they will offset the sadness. 

Sweating and Rain Dancing

I asked an Energy Worker friend how to go about sending energy/love to an individual I knew that needed it.

I trust this gentleman so his answer, to simply intend to send my love, I accepted. But being the Capricorn I am, I still had the niggling feeling this was too easy. Where was the candle lighting, the chanting, the sweating and Indian rain dancing? 

Intent. Too. Damn. Easy. 

But what if this is really all there is to life? Does this mean we simply intend that our house get clean, our baby's diapers get changed, the lawn gets mowed and Fido's food bowl gets filled? If you think about it the answer is yes. Without the intent to accomplish these chores they would not get done. We didn't say we intended another to complete these tasks did we? 

I am an advocate of work, accomplishment and persisting. To the point that I have indulged in a lot of self hate (and self pity) about having been a stay at home Mom. In my mind, though I enjoyed being home and due to a lot of kid doctoring almost had to be home, that was not enough. I was not enough. I know where a lot of this comes from. My unhappy Father, who after finding out I did not intend to return to work after the kids were in school, sneered something about me being 'retired' I look back on those years and they sure felt busy. I cooked six from scratch dinners every week. Attended to the before mentioned doctoring, occasionally helped at school, built a home and read books. Lots of books. I returned to school and got a 4.0 in the program I studied. I mediated a choking influx of medical bills and fought to get my insurance company to pay for a wheel chair for my son when he needed it. I attended school meetings to make sure he received proper services to continue his studies. I sucked back a lot of emotions and pushed him out into the world so he could see it could and would be done. His Mother insisted. And much, much more. But because I didn't hold an MBA and I did not receive a paycheck, in his mind none of those other accomplishments counted. 

My Father is dead now. He can't see the results of my labor. But I can. One is in another state building a life. One is finishing an undergraduate degree after studying abroad for a year. As for myself, I am creating art. 

In my life there has been much candle lighting, chanting, sweating and Indian rain dancing just because of who I am. But now that my friend has told me the way to send love is to simply intend it-I will, to myself, because I damn well deserve it. 

On Your Birthday

Last year we were so far apart for your important number. This year the number is more important to me because it is the very first we will celebrate together. 

We are celebrating the day you came into existence and became a blessing to so many then and so many more throughout the years. I have seen you as a young one in pictures and video. In some ways you haven't changed. I saw focus, seriousness, goofiness and love of family. 

We talk. And talk. And talk. Like your complicated green eyes, you too are complicated. You are not boring. I think you must get weary of the questions I ask about all the time before I knew you. Because I don't find you as readable as you do me, I long to know you more. And asking questions, even about things you'd rather not discuss, is my attempt to bridge those years we spent apart and try to understand you.

You lived a different life than I. In many ways you are more adventurous though I'm not sure you'd agree with this. Your parents were very different from mine. You had experiences and relationships quite different from my own. I think you have lead a broader ( no pun intended ) life than I. I admire you for this and truth told envy the guts it must have taken to live your life as you did. I admire your work life and am still thrilled the editor read something I had written and took time to write me back. 

I have looked at pictures of you in more recent years and grieve that sadness and stress has seemed to etch itself in your face. I wish those years had not brought you pain and heartache. In the very worst way I wish this. No matter if we had never met-I wish this. But I was not able to organize you then ( smile ) and life brought to you what it did. I can not make up for it though I'd give about anything to do so. 

You tell me you are happy. You've repeated it so often now you would think I could believe you. But because I think you deserve the world on a shiny platter, I still doubt. Along with the fact I am nigh impossible to get along with, my doubts continue.

On your birthday I was not able to get you the world on a shiny platter. Instead you got a practical gift from a practical girl-who loves you with all her heart. 

The Naked Within

I called someone plainspoken today. I told her this was one of my highest compliments. I believe I've always felt this way. But even more so since 2008. Being plainspoken means putting it out there as it is. No fancy dress, no mask. 

I appreciate plainspokeness because it feels real and solid. Everyone I admire most in the world has this quality. That doesn't mean it is always easy to be the recipient of plain speak. It has a way of peeling back layers you'd just as soon not be peeled back. The naked within isn't always acceptable even to yourself. But I know for myself that this naked is necessary for me to go forward especially spiritually. 

I need to hear that I am totally in charge of myself and my feelings. I need to hear it loudly and likely multiple times. So the Universe has provided this message over and over. Infinite patience don't you know? Why is it necessary to know this? Because Friend, it opens all doors and windows. It gives the awesome gifts of freedom and choice. To know you are free, to really know it, is scary. To acknowledge you are totally responsible for your life, it's happenings and consequences, is scarier still. And for some people too scary. 

How would it feel to be at a point where you were able to acknowledge this but then have to look back at all the things that you blamed others for and have to admit it was always you? For some this is not going to happen at all. They will continue to be a victim. I am further down this road than I ever have been before. I am grateful to be going forward. I have my times though, when I fall back to victim and I know better. Somehow it is our first response to point the finger at anyone but ourselves. 

I read a blog post by someone making the argument that business owners are not responsible for failure of their businesses when things like bad economies and big box stores are involved. The blog went on to offer up the example of a woman who made a firm and clear decision about what she wanted in her work life. After the decision was made she threw herself into the task of study and preparation (focus in new age speak) and it shouldn't be surprising to anyone that the woman achieved her desire. I am sure this woman had hard days. Days where she thought she might have to give up. But a clear vision of what she wanted and purposeful focus ultimately led to success. Success on her terms.   

You don't have to be Pollyanna. Indeed, I think it would be harmful for the success of a vision to be so positive you close yourself off from alternatives that might serve you. And face it, sometimes a good cry and a bout of self pity are what it takes to get through the day. But putting the blame on things or people outside yourself is not the answer. The economy is what it is. Big box stores are successful because they offer goods that people can afford and they employ others. If your business failed, mourn it -but don't think your effort wasted. What was learned? How can it benefit you?  

Mike Dooley says that something unexpected or unwanted is a bridge to what you do want. Until you cross the bridge you can't look back and see that this was so. But if you keep on traveling you will be able to. I had something happen to me in 2008 that rocked my world. I thought my life was over. But what it was was life pulling me forward. Today I am at a place I never thought I would be. I have traveled over the bridge. I can look back and see how today came to be. I am not Pollyanna. I mourn what was. I cry and despair at times. But I have made a promise to someone to keep traveling. I intend to, and on my way, enjoy the scenery. 

Unnecessary Genie

How lucky (and by lucky I mean blown away at your sheer good fortune) are you if you have someone in your life with whom you share a 'thinking' connection? If you have such a person, they are more valuable than all the wishes you might require of a genie. 

I was reminded of this last night. I had read a moving blog post. It was well thought out and beautifully written. But, for reasons I won't go into, it made me feel like shit. The blog post seemed to have been well received and I had no doubt it was well intentioned. Therefore, it was pointless for me to open up about how it made me feel personally. 

But last night I was asked about this blog post. I was asked if I had read it. I replied that I had. And that it was well thought out and beautifully written. Because I was asked this by a person I can be totally honest with, I added that despite these attributes it made me feel like shit. The reply was, 'I wondered'. Like a tiny miracle the understanding, care and compassion behind that statement took away any bad feelings the blog post had left me-replaced with humbled awe at my good fortune. 

So What's For Dinner?

Today I told someone that when others view my life they could come to some black and white judgments. But my truth is in shades of grey. Many shades of grey. And I bet yours is as well.

Then it occurred to me that my concern over judgment (no matter what color) was really about me judging me. (I progress a few steps than slink back a few.) It is pretty sobering to realize how conditioned I have become. To think my life has to be a certain way.

Do you expect my life to be a certain way? Do you even have expectations for my life? I'm going to bet you are so immersed in your life you do not have time to contemplate mine. So the only thoughts that affect my life come from within me. I want to contemplate some good. Because I know it is there. Somewhere.

1) spent time with my BFF today and gave her the gift of my full attention and active listening.
2) began thinking about a situation that I can't control and when I realized this I told myself to let it go and for once I listened to myself and felt that blessed sense of peace that comes from acceptance of what is.
3) The universe is supporting me with messages of: you do not need to know what will happen. And remembrances of times I've been supported. Which is timely as I feel the stirrings of panic in my psyche.
4) I am making a good dinner tonight.
5) I introduced some nice people to each other on Twitter.
6) I sent love and healing thoughts to an older woman.
7) I spent time being creative instead of in more practical work (which will get done eventually)
8) I was flexible about today's schedule. (Flexible and me-not soul mates)
9) I smiled and enjoyed a movie on television that I had been wanting to watch but just stumbled on to today.
10) I took time to write this blog post to aid myself mostly but maybe someone else too.

All this before dinner time. There is good in me. I just need to spend more time contemplating the good and less in judgment. I'd like to invite you to do the same.