Glimmers

Trust is an odd beast.
We Capricorns are born suspicious. It takes a major effort to get past our walls.

I don't like group projects. Usually I can do the job better and more efficiently. Not bragging just stating the facts.

But last time I checked it isn't all that easy ( though not impossible ) to construct a family yourself. And I wanted one. Can't imagine life without my sons. So I trusted a guy. All was well until I found out he just didn't think. Uh oh. Trouble.

For the last four years I've been-well lets say not where I thought I'd be. I remember a lot of the feelings from those first few months and the accompanying paralysis. Who knew I'd develop such a bond with the couch?

Fast forward to September 27, 2012. For the last year and a half I had decided to trust a girl, at least as much as I was able, which is to say a bit.
In her case, she thought too much and decided she knew what was best for me and enforced it.

Betrayal is how I have come to title these incidents. I do understand that I could choose to perceive these things in a different way, thus saving myself a lot of grief. But being who I am, someone who values loyalty, honorable behavior and truth, my perception stands.

Good people are capable of doing very bad things. This is a truth that I find very difficult to reconcile and accept. People do not behave like I do for better or for worse.

So here I am in the midst of Deja Vu. I don't depend on the girl for a roof and three squares so there is that.
I catch myself looking at her like Harry Potter looked in the mirror which showed him his fondest wish. Then I have to clear my head of cobwebs and try to see her in the new reality. I waver between how I thought it was and how it really is now. I remember doing the exact same thing before.

Revisiting these feelings is devastating. How many times in this lifetime am I expected to hear 'I'm sorry' and be thought churlish if I don't embrace it wholeheartedly?

I'm having glimmers of a new perception. Perhaps these group projects aren't for me either.