Longing for the Sun

During the sunlight I can forget, somewhat, the feeling of being made to do something. Enforced. But in the dark it hits me. And I feel sick to my stomach. I catch myself thinking for just a brief moment it couldn't have happened. Because I wish so much it had not. 

I wonder how I will get past this. If I can get past this. And I remember most of these feelings from 2008. I can remember wondering if I was making too big a deal out of it then. But I wasn't. They both were violations of sacred trust. 

It's hard not to wonder why this happened. Why these things both happened to me. It's hard not to think of these things as punishment. 

It's hard not to wonder if anyone is out there who I can be safe with and who behaves honorably.