Being

Just be. These are words my therapist has said to me on many an occasion. Usually while observing me like a bug under a magnifying glass. Apparently I have a problem just being.
Doing, thinking, agonizing, worrying, doubting, hurting, jonesing, plotting, crying, sniveling, questioning, questioning, questioning, demanding, shaking, belly aching.
Those things? Not a problem.

Here is the deal though, while I'm busy doing all those things I am not listening or waiting expectantly, with faith, that answers will come. Except that once in awhile the universe slips a quick answer in between the cracks of the doing, despite me. One such answer I really did not expect to ever get. It is on my mind today as it's been a month since I had the most difficult/painful therapy session I have ever had. I had had a bad month prior and this about did me in. He had asked me a question the week before, that I did not answer at the time. But I thought about it. A lot.
So I delivered the answer to him and we continued onto other things.

A few days passed and I was getting ready in the morning zoning out as we tend to do. When all of the sudden it hit me that the answer I had given the therapist earlier in the week was also the answer to a question that had vexed me for a year!

I had been in a pretty bad mental place for weeks and had just about decided to add additional antidepressants to what I already took. I try to avoid this as they all have their side effects with the one I take being one I tolerate best of all I've tried. Still, it would be better than some alternatives.

So along comes this answer I had not expected. Ever. And it occurred to me that if one answer had been given others could come as well. A bit of hope. And the more I focused on this seemingly miraculous happening my load seemed lightened. Just enough. Enough to grab hold of and be carried for just a while. Long enough to just be.