Glimmers

Trust is an odd beast.
We Capricorns are born suspicious. It takes a major effort to get past our walls.

I don't like group projects. Usually I can do the job better and more efficiently. Not bragging just stating the facts.

But last time I checked it isn't all that easy ( though not impossible ) to construct a family yourself. And I wanted one. Can't imagine life without my sons. So I trusted a guy. All was well until I found out he just didn't think. Uh oh. Trouble.

For the last four years I've been-well lets say not where I thought I'd be. I remember a lot of the feelings from those first few months and the accompanying paralysis. Who knew I'd develop such a bond with the couch?

Fast forward to September 27, 2012. For the last year and a half I had decided to trust a girl, at least as much as I was able, which is to say a bit.
In her case, she thought too much and decided she knew what was best for me and enforced it.

Betrayal is how I have come to title these incidents. I do understand that I could choose to perceive these things in a different way, thus saving myself a lot of grief. But being who I am, someone who values loyalty, honorable behavior and truth, my perception stands.

Good people are capable of doing very bad things. This is a truth that I find very difficult to reconcile and accept. People do not behave like I do for better or for worse.

So here I am in the midst of Deja Vu. I don't depend on the girl for a roof and three squares so there is that.
I catch myself looking at her like Harry Potter looked in the mirror which showed him his fondest wish. Then I have to clear my head of cobwebs and try to see her in the new reality. I waver between how I thought it was and how it really is now. I remember doing the exact same thing before.

Revisiting these feelings is devastating. How many times in this lifetime am I expected to hear 'I'm sorry' and be thought churlish if I don't embrace it wholeheartedly?

I'm having glimmers of a new perception. Perhaps these group projects aren't for me either.

Longing for the Sun

During the sunlight I can forget, somewhat, the feeling of being made to do something. Enforced. But in the dark it hits me. And I feel sick to my stomach. I catch myself thinking for just a brief moment it couldn't have happened. Because I wish so much it had not. 

I wonder how I will get past this. If I can get past this. And I remember most of these feelings from 2008. I can remember wondering if I was making too big a deal out of it then. But I wasn't. They both were violations of sacred trust. 

It's hard not to wonder why this happened. Why these things both happened to me. It's hard not to think of these things as punishment. 

It's hard not to wonder if anyone is out there who I can be safe with and who behaves honorably. 

You See It's Glow Unreal?

Today I hurt. And am so sad. Throw in some despair there too. And frustration. And anger. 

But who do you sit down with over a cup of coffee and talk about the event that brought about those feelings? I don't wish to dump on people. They have their own problems. 

And if I should begin to speak I do not know where I would end up. 

So that is why my glow is unreal today and likely for many tomorrows.