Hard Lessons Learned

Communication is frustrating.
Even after you think you have been as clear as can be there still can be issues. Actually I mean to say there definitely will be issues.

In the last few weeks there have been issues. Unhappy ones for me. As a result though, we each know the other better. If one intends to go forward this is a good thing.

It sure would have been less painful to have a Vulcan mind meld, a school marm lecture, a billboard, telegram ( singing even ) sign language, hell I'd have even opted for Klingon! Alas it was not to be. The hard way it was. 

So what was learned? I am a grown up. I am able to make my own decisions. I know what is best for me and as we should have learned in kindergarten-keep your hands to yourself. A person may do as much harm with good intentions as with bad.

What is intimacy? A discussion was had. Expectations were clarified. Two smart people can still see things very differently. What is important to me can be no big deal to another.

I gave some thought to removing my last blog post. But as I reread it I realized I would really change only one thing and that is this-I've come to believe the second email from the coworker was not a fake. I can still see how I could come to that conclusion though.

Ultimately it came down to protection. Defining when it was necessary and when it was not. Hard lessons learned and sad.

But Wait! There's More

You know how truth is stranger than fiction? Got one for you.

GF gets email from coworker in which they are clearly discussing the possibility of my 'symptoms' being either borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. After providing links to the GF so she can study up on these disorders the email ends like this:
'I hope these help. If i can help in any way or answer any questions let me know. I know this is hard on you and her also.'

Apparently if you don't bounce right back Pollyannaish from being assaulted, if you need some time to heal, if you experience ups and downs of emotions during that time, you possess either borderline personality disorder or are bipolar.

Speculating about my mental health with someone I have met twice in passing is inappropriate, shames and humiliates me. But wait there's more!

After confronting the GF with the above facts she lies, back pedals and sidesteps trying to say the email was not about me. (I'm looking around for the proverbial turnip truck.)
I succinctly informed her what I thought of her and these tactics. But wait there's more!

Then the coworker sends KD another email that is so obviously faked it was a total insult to my intelligence. The email was written to agree with KDs lying almost word for word.

Inappropriate is hard to handle especially because discussions have been had when this type of inappropriate sharing occurred before. And because I know this was done to KDs ex with friends and teachers. KD does not learn her lessons and therefore repeats them.

(To be clear. I have probably been in counseling in my life for a total of about three years with three different mental health professionals. One a psychologist and two master level marriage and family counselors. During all that time spent in intense work with these mental health professionals at no time did any of them provide those diagnosis's.)

As I said inappropriate is hard to handle but the lying is not acceptable on any level.

These life lessons keep on a coming. This one has kicked me in the gut. Devastated.
It makes you wonder if you ever really know anyone.

If You Knew How Many Tears You Caused

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you still have ripped away my trust,
That I'm sure will never mend?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your intentions have been different?
Would you have thought far less right then?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your hands have touched me differently,
Would your ears have heard my cries, my pleas?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your arms have gripped me to console,
Instead of what they did?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have shoved me through that door,
Supposedly safe falling towards your floor?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have known way better than me,
as I made fruitless efforts to defend?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have extinguished the light
From the eyes of your girlfriend?