Tinged with Despair

A doctor once told me that people with depression ride a roller coaster.
Most days I do pretty well. Some days I honestly wish I was dead. Other days are simply tinged with despair.

This might sound dramatic (and in the interest of full disclosure I started college as a drama major) but no, it really is my life. On the hard days I cut myself no slack. I find little to be satisfied with. 
Not going to lie, I feel sorry for myself.
Brooding on old sorrows and new.  Looking for answers so long in coming.
Asking old questions, feeling the old frustrations as new.

You remember the old cartoons where the main character gets mad and kicks the anvil thereby hurting only himself? That's what living is feeling like for me lately. I wish there was someone to blame. But depression wasn't gifted to me like the fairy godmother's gave gifts to the princess it was passed down unwittingly in my genes.

So pain equals growth huh? Well damn I should be on a mount somewhere giving out loaves and fishes! Instead I'll get up in the morning and put my youngest on a plane to study abroad for a year.
Then return to figuring it out. So not thrilled.

In Practice

At therapy this week I was asked why I care what anyone else thinks of me.
I think the answer is that I am not so confident in who I am that someone else's opinion doesn't make me pause to consider ( or fear ) that they are correct.

'Sticks and stones can break my bones but words they cannot hurt me.'
Great in theory. In practice, not so much. So the logical answer here is to become so well acquainted with myself that outside vitriol cannot penetrate.
It's true that recent years have taken a toll on my self esteem.
But I am not so far gone that I'll go down without a fight.  And the fight is with myself. To hold onto what I know and to add to it through whatever means
life chooses to present to me.

So what do I know? I am not a liar. I am strong enough. I am not narcissistic.
I care about others. I am loyal. I am kind. I like to build people up not tear them down. I'd rather laugh than cry. You'd want me for a friend because I am a good one.

There are additional things to learn. There is more life to live.
Bring it.

Squinting to See Through

We all process everything in our lives through personal filters.
I know this. I even know it as it is happening. But even so it happens.
What I mean is, I have a filter that says I will be lied to and let down.
It's happened and that is where the filter came from.
But what happens when you run the filter on someone who hasn't previously done those things to you? You judge them on your history. Not the history that you both may share but on your own. 

Clearly that isn't fair, right or reasonable. But reason doesn't always enter into these things. Instead a kaleidoscope of swirling illogical emotions takes over and everything in you starts saying 'Danger, Will Robinson!' The next thing that happens is either flight or fight.  Even if this isn't what you really want. All you know in the moment is it must be done. 

It takes a patient person to see through this behavior to what is really going on. It takes a loving person to persist through this behavior. It takes a person with great compassion and faith to see beyond this behavior into the future. 

I'm lucky because I have such a person in my life.  I'm hoping for both our sakes I can, someday, adjust the filters to reflect current reality.