Heartfelt

It isn't a secret I have depression. I take meds for it and go on with my life. This is something that runs in my family. Depression isn't a bad day, a grumpy mood or being dumped by a boy/girlfriend. Depression is a heaviness of spirit, a blackness inside that filters all you see on the outside. It affects every good thing in your life. It is a physical thing as well, weighing you down, slowing you down and sometimes stopping you entirely.

I have been in many dark places with this disease. Places that are so nightmarish I find it hard to even contemplate them. Creative people seem to be burdened with this disproportionately.
I don't know why -maybe there is research on it I don't know about.
I know there are theories about why people have depression. A chemical imbalance in the brain is one I'm familiar with but I am positive there are many more.

I don't know why I have depression in particular. But I do and I have to figure out a way to cope. I am very grateful for the medication I take-Wellbutrin. It works and I don't have side effects that I have had with other meds. But every once and awhile the Wellbutrin could use some augmentation and then I have to make a decision. Wait out the bad period or augment. Lately my choice has been to wait it out because other meds have side effects I'd rather avoid.

Through Twitter I have met another artist with depression. I know what he is going through. It is a comfort to say to him that, on whatever day , the depression is kicking my ass and have him respond. And it almost doesn't matter what he says-he responds and he knows what I'm going through.
This has meant a lot to me but I have been too shy to say this to him. So what I did was buy one of his pieces that spoke to me of being uplifted.
And that is my heartfelt wish for both of us-that we continue to be uplifted.

Don't Want Your Stinkin Dwarves

I pick up on others' emotions easily. Sometimes this is helpful, other times it is harmful-to me. If you are stressed, sad, grumpy, anxious, or any of the seven dwarves, it doesn't mean I have to be along with you. I have a hard enough time coping with my emotions let alone yours.

I have to give myself a talk after I feel that familiar tightening of my stomach that says I'm feeling what you are. I can be empathetic to whatever you are going through without going through it too.

For the last few days I have picked up emotions from someone in my life that I'd like to get away from. The best way I know to do this is solitude and silence. Spending time with just myself. Even writing those words, just now, feels selfish.
But logically I know it is not selfish to care for myself. Indeed it is mandatory.

When I first realized I did not have to feel what you do, I was in therapy. I'm embarrassed to admit this realization absolutely floored me. It changed my perception of myself, you and my place in life. What it did, in addition to those things, was to return myself to myself.

If I'm spending time feeling my emotions, not yours, it makes sense I'd get to know my own self better. And that is not selfish either.

Pork Rinds and Chutzpah

I am suspicious of those who profess to know why we are here.
There are quite a few with this certainty. But strangely enough they don't all agree.
That last sentence was sarcasm in case you missed it. I've noticed our common denominator is not agreeing.

You may not be all that impressed with what I have to say, how I choose to say it or to whom I say what I think. I can live with that. It won't change what I think. That is called maturity. The ability to hold on to you in the face of others' disapproval.

I am not meaning to imply this is an easy thing. If it were we'd be born mature. No, it is a process. As I've gotten to know myself better I have improved my level of maturity. The events in my life that I have viewed as negative have contributed to this process. So there is that. Would I have still chosen to go through some of them? Ugh! No. But I'm not in charge. At least not the ego driven me. Yeah I know, now we are delving into less practical areas than a self respecting Capricorn would normally wish to.

I am puzzled by why we are not allowed to know our path. It seems a bit harsh doesn't it? Just stumbling along without a clue, being expected to have faith when all you really want to do some days is shout out really loudly, 'FUCK YOU FAITH' with appropriate hand gestures of course.

No saint here in case you haven't picked up on that yet. I've designed the 'FUCK YOU FAITH' t-shirt many times in my head. But even this list wielding, organizing, alphabetizing Capricorn has come to disbelieve in random. There is something in charge. It isn't me. I have an imagination that I'd put up against anyone's. But even I cannot imagine the big picture.

But I have come to believe there is one. I also believe humanity can contribute preferences to the big picture so we are not random either. Please read that last sentence again. You and I are not random. We are specific. Chosen. Found  worthy despite what we might think about ourselves or our neighbor. Yep even your redneck neighbor (complete with beer belly and microwave snack packs of  pork rinds) is not random.

But to have the chutzpah to declare that you know why we are here? None of the theories I've heard seem to be the whole answer. Maybe that is because each person's reason for being here is their own.