If You Knew How Many Tears You Caused

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you still have ripped away my trust,
That I'm sure will never mend?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your intentions have been different?
Would you have thought far less right then?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your hands have touched me differently,
Would your ears have heard my cries, my pleas?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would your arms have gripped me to console,
Instead of what they did?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have shoved me through that door,
Supposedly safe falling towards your floor?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have known way better than me,
as I made fruitless efforts to defend?

If you knew how many tears you caused,
If you knew how things would end,
Would you have extinguished the light
From the eyes of your girlfriend?

Sorry-ness

I told my brother that my ex's recent comment of feeling sorry for my GF
shouldn't hurt but it did. Why? The GF and I have had a full year. There have been highs and plenty of lows. Those lows have been very hard on both of us, So when I received that comment, it hit me hard. Could it be true? Was she right to feel sorry for my GF? My heart sank and sank as I contemplated this.

She tells me often that I am her highest priority. That she loves me. That I am wonderful. I do not disbelieve her, rather, it feels like I am a windshield that has been treated with a product designed to repel water. I receive the compliments but they do not always penetrate. I am careful to keep from giving all. I'm not sure i'll ever be able to.

That trust thing has caused most of the lows we've experienced. Communication is another challenge. We are just different enough that how we see things differs. I think each time we realize this about an issue we feel a little surprised. We are both 51. We've lived our lives as strangers. We've lived substantially different lives. Communication will be an ongoing challenge.

That is if there is ongoing. A low that I've blogged about already has changed things between us in a very substantial way. It happened the same day I received the comment from the ex. It's as if she is still poisoning me. I do know better. But still...
So now I have to admit that the question of whether or not it was right for her to feel sorry for my GF has switched to me being sorry for myself.
Sorry that this has happened. So sorry. And now I wonder about another question-are she and I going to be able to reconcile?

I feel sorry for my brother having to experience this drama even a little. I wish he had known me before. He'd have seen as drama free a little housewife as ever there was. But here I am. Hope he knows my goal is not to inflict any more drama on him as is possible. And to give back to him even a little of the support and care he has shown me.

And I Glow

may have been

knocked down 

by you

but I have risen

looking in the mirror 

reflecting back is me

and I glow

with transcendence

a glitch upon the path

a lesson to be learned 

by someone with open eyes

and bleeding heart

looking in the mirror

reflecting back is me

and I glow

with transcendence

choices before, memories aft

I am made up of these with 

a curious spark of more than humanity

and I glow