Hey, Hey

'Hey, Hey Good Lookin, whatcha got cookin'? How's about cookin' somethin up with me?' ~Hank Williams

Hank makes it seem so easy. It ain't. 

Extinguishing The Flame

I used to think I should not feel certain emotions. So I would try not to, with varied success. Mostly, I think, I was putting off feeling them. I asked the therapist about feeling or not feeling any of the various emotions we humans are subject to. He said 'just try not to' in such a way to indicate that there really wasn't a way to avoid feeling. He gave me some examples of how he handled various emotions. Ways to ride them out? 

You are told to choose to be happy. Still good advice but in the moment I think you can also choose to be any of the emotions you are currently feeling with the goal to not let them wrap you up so tight that happy can't find it's way back to you. 

I am riding out some sadness today. It won't destroy all the pleasures and blessings of this day. I won't let it. I made a decision to accept a situation in my life. Why? I can't change it because I can't change the other person involved. So I was left to make the decision to accept. I feel it is the right decision from several different view points.  But once you make that decision you give up the dream you had of how you hoped things would be. So that is part of the sadness -I've given up my dream. Also making decisions changes you. In this case, I hope to achieve some peace with acceptance, which would be a good change. But in giving up my dream, I know I will be altered, in a way I really had hoped not to be. Part of my flame will be extinguished. That, too, is part of the sadness. Another part is feeling sad that the other person could not step up to be part of my dream. Arrogant expectation, I know, and that is why I accept. But the disappointment and sadness are still there for me to ride out.

I don't know how things will work out. I just know that who I am is being shaped by this decision and every other one I make. Yesterday I was told I was astonishingly perceptive. I believe I am granted a flash of intuition once and awhile. But as regular readers of this blog know, that doesn't often extend to my own path. 

How does this decision make me be? Compassionate. Practical. Realistic. Loving. Those are all welcome ways to be. And in time I hope they will offset the sadness. 

Sweating and Rain Dancing

I asked an Energy Worker friend how to go about sending energy/love to an individual I knew that needed it.

I trust this gentleman so his answer, to simply intend to send my love, I accepted. But being the Capricorn I am, I still had the niggling feeling this was too easy. Where was the candle lighting, the chanting, the sweating and Indian rain dancing? 

Intent. Too. Damn. Easy. 

But what if this is really all there is to life? Does this mean we simply intend that our house get clean, our baby's diapers get changed, the lawn gets mowed and Fido's food bowl gets filled? If you think about it the answer is yes. Without the intent to accomplish these chores they would not get done. We didn't say we intended another to complete these tasks did we? 

I am an advocate of work, accomplishment and persisting. To the point that I have indulged in a lot of self hate (and self pity) about having been a stay at home Mom. In my mind, though I enjoyed being home and due to a lot of kid doctoring almost had to be home, that was not enough. I was not enough. I know where a lot of this comes from. My unhappy Father, who after finding out I did not intend to return to work after the kids were in school, sneered something about me being 'retired' I look back on those years and they sure felt busy. I cooked six from scratch dinners every week. Attended to the before mentioned doctoring, occasionally helped at school, built a home and read books. Lots of books. I returned to school and got a 4.0 in the program I studied. I mediated a choking influx of medical bills and fought to get my insurance company to pay for a wheel chair for my son when he needed it. I attended school meetings to make sure he received proper services to continue his studies. I sucked back a lot of emotions and pushed him out into the world so he could see it could and would be done. His Mother insisted. And much, much more. But because I didn't hold an MBA and I did not receive a paycheck, in his mind none of those other accomplishments counted. 

My Father is dead now. He can't see the results of my labor. But I can. One is in another state building a life. One is finishing an undergraduate degree after studying abroad for a year. As for myself, I am creating art. 

In my life there has been much candle lighting, chanting, sweating and Indian rain dancing just because of who I am. But now that my friend has told me the way to send love is to simply intend it-I will, to myself, because I damn well deserve it.