On Your Birthday

Last year we were so far apart for your important number. This year the number is more important to me because it is the very first we will celebrate together. 

We are celebrating the day you came into existence and became a blessing to so many then and so many more throughout the years. I have seen you as a young one in pictures and video. In some ways you haven't changed. I saw focus, seriousness, goofiness and love of family. 

We talk. And talk. And talk. Like your complicated green eyes, you too are complicated. You are not boring. I think you must get weary of the questions I ask about all the time before I knew you. Because I don't find you as readable as you do me, I long to know you more. And asking questions, even about things you'd rather not discuss, is my attempt to bridge those years we spent apart and try to understand you.

You lived a different life than I. In many ways you are more adventurous though I'm not sure you'd agree with this. Your parents were very different from mine. You had experiences and relationships quite different from my own. I think you have lead a broader ( no pun intended ) life than I. I admire you for this and truth told envy the guts it must have taken to live your life as you did. I admire your work life and am still thrilled the editor read something I had written and took time to write me back. 

I have looked at pictures of you in more recent years and grieve that sadness and stress has seemed to etch itself in your face. I wish those years had not brought you pain and heartache. In the very worst way I wish this. No matter if we had never met-I wish this. But I was not able to organize you then ( smile ) and life brought to you what it did. I can not make up for it though I'd give about anything to do so. 

You tell me you are happy. You've repeated it so often now you would think I could believe you. But because I think you deserve the world on a shiny platter, I still doubt. Along with the fact I am nigh impossible to get along with, my doubts continue.

On your birthday I was not able to get you the world on a shiny platter. Instead you got a practical gift from a practical girl-who loves you with all her heart. 

The Naked Within

I called someone plainspoken today. I told her this was one of my highest compliments. I believe I've always felt this way. But even more so since 2008. Being plainspoken means putting it out there as it is. No fancy dress, no mask. 

I appreciate plainspokeness because it feels real and solid. Everyone I admire most in the world has this quality. That doesn't mean it is always easy to be the recipient of plain speak. It has a way of peeling back layers you'd just as soon not be peeled back. The naked within isn't always acceptable even to yourself. But I know for myself that this naked is necessary for me to go forward especially spiritually. 

I need to hear that I am totally in charge of myself and my feelings. I need to hear it loudly and likely multiple times. So the Universe has provided this message over and over. Infinite patience don't you know? Why is it necessary to know this? Because Friend, it opens all doors and windows. It gives the awesome gifts of freedom and choice. To know you are free, to really know it, is scary. To acknowledge you are totally responsible for your life, it's happenings and consequences, is scarier still. And for some people too scary. 

How would it feel to be at a point where you were able to acknowledge this but then have to look back at all the things that you blamed others for and have to admit it was always you? For some this is not going to happen at all. They will continue to be a victim. I am further down this road than I ever have been before. I am grateful to be going forward. I have my times though, when I fall back to victim and I know better. Somehow it is our first response to point the finger at anyone but ourselves. 

I read a blog post by someone making the argument that business owners are not responsible for failure of their businesses when things like bad economies and big box stores are involved. The blog went on to offer up the example of a woman who made a firm and clear decision about what she wanted in her work life. After the decision was made she threw herself into the task of study and preparation (focus in new age speak) and it shouldn't be surprising to anyone that the woman achieved her desire. I am sure this woman had hard days. Days where she thought she might have to give up. But a clear vision of what she wanted and purposeful focus ultimately led to success. Success on her terms.   

You don't have to be Pollyanna. Indeed, I think it would be harmful for the success of a vision to be so positive you close yourself off from alternatives that might serve you. And face it, sometimes a good cry and a bout of self pity are what it takes to get through the day. But putting the blame on things or people outside yourself is not the answer. The economy is what it is. Big box stores are successful because they offer goods that people can afford and they employ others. If your business failed, mourn it -but don't think your effort wasted. What was learned? How can it benefit you?  

Mike Dooley says that something unexpected or unwanted is a bridge to what you do want. Until you cross the bridge you can't look back and see that this was so. But if you keep on traveling you will be able to. I had something happen to me in 2008 that rocked my world. I thought my life was over. But what it was was life pulling me forward. Today I am at a place I never thought I would be. I have traveled over the bridge. I can look back and see how today came to be. I am not Pollyanna. I mourn what was. I cry and despair at times. But I have made a promise to someone to keep traveling. I intend to, and on my way, enjoy the scenery. 

Unnecessary Genie

How lucky (and by lucky I mean blown away at your sheer good fortune) are you if you have someone in your life with whom you share a 'thinking' connection? If you have such a person, they are more valuable than all the wishes you might require of a genie. 

I was reminded of this last night. I had read a moving blog post. It was well thought out and beautifully written. But, for reasons I won't go into, it made me feel like shit. The blog post seemed to have been well received and I had no doubt it was well intentioned. Therefore, it was pointless for me to open up about how it made me feel personally. 

But last night I was asked about this blog post. I was asked if I had read it. I replied that I had. And that it was well thought out and beautifully written. Because I was asked this by a person I can be totally honest with, I added that despite these attributes it made me feel like shit. The reply was, 'I wondered'. Like a tiny miracle the understanding, care and compassion behind that statement took away any bad feelings the blog post had left me-replaced with humbled awe at my good fortune.