Friday, October 21, 2011
Lit From Within
Thinking, thinking. And yet more thinking. A thought that might surprise readers of this blog. I 'am' happier than this time last year. I have made positive progress from this time last year on several fronts. Therapy with a therapist who suits me (but does not coddle) has helped me not to feel alone. A patient, ardent, sweet someone special has switched on an inner light long dimmed. Children, healthy and happy are any Mother's joy. Recently I have set some goals for myself with regard to my art. I am busy meeting those goals and having a little faith in myself. Happiness is an emotion I haven't spent a lot of time with. But I want to. And I intend to. There will be jogs from this path but on this, the occasion of my older son's birthday, I am focusing on the light within.
Monday, October 17, 2011
You Don't Know Jack
I told someone things feel shaky. You know what I mean. You are climbing the beanstalk, holding on for all you are worth and some Yayhoo thinks its funny to
grab the stalk (while on the ground) and shake! You are too far up to deal with the Yayhoo though you'd dearly love to. There is nothing to do but hang on.
That's the visual. Hanging on.
You are scared of heights so the only option is to continue looking upwards and keep on climbing. Because looking down causes panic to rise up.
Climbing, climbing till finally you stop to catch your breath. You look around and realize that even if you are still precariously far from the ground and you can't even see to the top of the stalk, that where you've stopped to catch your breath is an okay place to be. It's just you and the stalk, but so far so good. For all of you climbing your beanstalks if things get shaky-hang on. And then keep on climbing.
grab the stalk (while on the ground) and shake! You are too far up to deal with the Yayhoo though you'd dearly love to. There is nothing to do but hang on.
That's the visual. Hanging on.
You are scared of heights so the only option is to continue looking upwards and keep on climbing. Because looking down causes panic to rise up.
Climbing, climbing till finally you stop to catch your breath. You look around and realize that even if you are still precariously far from the ground and you can't even see to the top of the stalk, that where you've stopped to catch your breath is an okay place to be. It's just you and the stalk, but so far so good. For all of you climbing your beanstalks if things get shaky-hang on. And then keep on climbing.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Dark Pit
Capricorns take things seriously. I am no exception.
As with most things this has benefits and disadvantages.
To take something seriously requires thought. Usually thought is better than charging in blindly.
But as most would agree, some things in life require faith. Believing without proof. Romantic love is one of these things. A person can and should analyze the object of their affection to see if a relationship is feasible. A number of factors should be considered. But after all this is done what next?
The next part is something most Capricorns have a real problem with.
Taking the plunge. And this part is inescapable. It's like an infant taking first steps. They know they want what is across the room. They have practiced inching along the coffee table. They have observed those around them doing it. But taking those first steps can be likened to a precipitous drop into a dark pit.
Romance. A precipitous drop into a dark pit. If there is anything I hate more than not knowing I don't know it. Calculating, theorizing, a bit of experimentation- all good things but absolutely no guarantee of successful romance. Because (and I cringe as I write this) THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES. As I have found, neither brains, logic nor longevity can guarantee one's happiness with a partner.
Whether I like it or not there are things out of my control. How another chooses to behave is one of those things. People are people. They screw up and hurt you. Then what? Two little words with enormous impact. Then what? I am not proud to admit that I am stuck here.
I just don't know and as we all know I hate that. With a passion.
I have choices. Choices I certainly never, ever anticipated. Choices that pull me out of my comfort zone. But that zone is mighty comfortable. It is all I know. It is my life. Change is not easy. Despite what plucky heroines in short romance novels would have you believe.
Change is also inevitable. But like my cat who extends all 4 legs to grip the cat carrier to prevent being removed, I resist. I don't know what would happen, how to go about doing it or trusting that once done I would be ok. In short, I am afraid. Again, unlike our plucky heroine.
I so admire the courage it takes to uproot. I'm ashamed that I don't possess it.
I fall short of my own expectations again and again.
It is discouraging and makes me sad. I wish I was better.
As with most things this has benefits and disadvantages.
To take something seriously requires thought. Usually thought is better than charging in blindly.
But as most would agree, some things in life require faith. Believing without proof. Romantic love is one of these things. A person can and should analyze the object of their affection to see if a relationship is feasible. A number of factors should be considered. But after all this is done what next?
The next part is something most Capricorns have a real problem with.
Taking the plunge. And this part is inescapable. It's like an infant taking first steps. They know they want what is across the room. They have practiced inching along the coffee table. They have observed those around them doing it. But taking those first steps can be likened to a precipitous drop into a dark pit.
Romance. A precipitous drop into a dark pit. If there is anything I hate more than not knowing I don't know it. Calculating, theorizing, a bit of experimentation- all good things but absolutely no guarantee of successful romance. Because (and I cringe as I write this) THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES. As I have found, neither brains, logic nor longevity can guarantee one's happiness with a partner.
Whether I like it or not there are things out of my control. How another chooses to behave is one of those things. People are people. They screw up and hurt you. Then what? Two little words with enormous impact. Then what? I am not proud to admit that I am stuck here.
I just don't know and as we all know I hate that. With a passion.
I have choices. Choices I certainly never, ever anticipated. Choices that pull me out of my comfort zone. But that zone is mighty comfortable. It is all I know. It is my life. Change is not easy. Despite what plucky heroines in short romance novels would have you believe.
Change is also inevitable. But like my cat who extends all 4 legs to grip the cat carrier to prevent being removed, I resist. I don't know what would happen, how to go about doing it or trusting that once done I would be ok. In short, I am afraid. Again, unlike our plucky heroine.
I so admire the courage it takes to uproot. I'm ashamed that I don't possess it.
I fall short of my own expectations again and again.
It is discouraging and makes me sad. I wish I was better.
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